


The Art of Being in Love

by burnintoash (funnymorning)



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, When I say slow burn - i mean slooooooowwwwwww burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 10:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17120048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funnymorning/pseuds/burnintoash
Summary: Kang Daniel and the things that are always meant to be his despite the roads he takes a.k.a the one where Daniel ended up not joining Produce 101 but still found his way back.





	1. March 2018

**Author's Note:**

> This ends up a little bit more gloomy than I intended to. I wanted it be be a realistic characterisation of Daniel but I am a pessimist by nature so my realistic just ends up being heavy and sombre. So, this might not be the best holiday reads.
> 
> But still, thank you if you are reading this, and happy holidays!
> 
> Some clarifications although I don't think it is that necessary: In this verse, Daniel does not make it to Produce so Jihoon becomes #1 and everyone just moves up one spot each with Sewoon being #11. This is also a work of fiction and all my Daniel backstories are very obviously fabricated to fit the timelines.

_He’s putting all his weight on his left again._

 

The beat is deafening because Daniel somehow ended up only a few feet away from the speakers and with the amount of girls pushing him from behind, he has nowhere to go but stick here in the spot, feeling the thump of every beat vibrating into his skull.

 

Jisung is on the far right so Daniel cannot see him that clearly but whenever he catches a glimpse or two, he seems to be leaning way more onto his left side than he should - it had always been a problem; Jisung used to say it’s because he sprained his right ankle as a child but Daniel always thought it was bull.

 

The rotation changes so Jisung is now closer to the center and Daniel catches the exact moment where Jisung notices himself and corrects his posture.

 

 _Good for him_. Daniel thinks and then laughs at himself. Jisung probably has the best dance instructors Korea has to offer now, people who are far more experienced and skilled than a random 22-year old with sloppy dance foundations and minimal stage experience to guide Jisung on his dance skills.

 

Of course, it would take some unlearning because every time Daniel sees Jisung dance, it is too difficult not to remember watching him from the yellow-stained mirror in the dark and moist smelling basement, the time when the only source of music was coming from Daniel’s second hand speaker and the only instructor they had were YouTube and each other.

 

And now, Jisung is singing and dancing on a stage in front of thousands of people and Daniel has a shift at the corner bakery in about 14 hours from now.

 

Life, as they say, is unpredictable.

 

* * *

 

The backstage is as busy and much more intimidating than Daniel was expecting. There are at least ten people running at any given time for no particular reason and the security guys have been giving him a stink eye even though he did show one of them his backstage pass earlier - he is not sure if it is your run of the mill suspicion or it is because he is an adult guy with a backstage pass to a Korean boy group concert.

 

“You rascal!” Daniel hears the words before Jisung jumps on him out of some cloaked room and Daniel laughs, winding his arms backwards to keep Jisung on his back. “You said you couldn’t make it!”

 

He did, mostly to mess with Jisung, but a little because he was not very sure when Jisung first invited him.

 

But, in the end, he decided that self-pity and irrational inferiority complex are not good reasons for missing out on seeing Jisung again.

 

Jisung shines, and Daniel is sad, and a little jealous, but pride is a much more powerful emotion, he is glad to find out.

 

“You were so good, hyung!” Daniel eventually puts Jisung down to pull him so he can look at him face to face and says. “Really.”

 

“I made a lot of mistakes.” Jisung mumbles but he is also smiling widely.

 

“I saw.” Daniel pokes a tongue out. “Still two left feet, huh?”

 

“Shut up, you little shit.” Jisung scoffs, and links his arm into the hook of Daniel’s elbow. “Did you lose weight?”

 

“I guess.” Daniel shrugs. “Do I look better?”

 

“No, you look exhausted.”

 

Daniel laughs. “Pot. Meet kettle. You look like you haven’t slept for days.” Now that there is no stage lighting and a good distance separating them, Daniel can better see the bags under Jisung’s eyes that concealers had done nothing to mask at this proximity.

 

“That’s because I haven’t.” Jisung mumbles and drags him towards the end of the hall. “C’mon...I’ll introduce..”

 

“Jisung hyung...they want a group photo.” Someone calls from the room they were heading towards and Daniel turns his face away from Jisung to see him.

 

“Oh…” Sungwoon’s lips make a perfect O before his eyes brighten up. “Daniel? How are you here? Oh...that’s right.. You moved here last year, right?”

 

“One and a half year, actually.” Daniel smiles back.

 

“How do you…” Jisung whips his head between the two of them before letting out a realized _ahhh_. “I forgot you two knew each other. I swear to god, Sungwoon, I won’t be surprised if you say you somehow know my high school teacher.”

 

“Mrs. Ahn?” Sungwoon teases before beckoning him over. “C’mon. Group photo … you can catch up later.”

 

Jisung shoots him an apologetic glance before following Sungwoon into the room and Daniel lets him go with a smile.

 

See...knowing Sungwoon is a little bit of a stretch although there is some resemblance of a truth in there somewhere, Daniel guesses. Daniel does know Sungwoon’s name, knows that he makes it to Wanna One as the 10th member last year, and he knows how Sungwoon’s neck smells like or how his skin tastes like under his lips.

 

So...yeah… it’s a little complicated.

 

* * *

 

“Tell me everything about you that I’ve missed.” Jisung demands as Daniel pours him another glass of whiskey. They are at his favorite find since he moved here - a hole-in-the-wall bar that sells bad whiskey by bottle for cheap prices and gives Daniel free nachos because the bartender lady likes his face.

 

Camilla refuses to even step inside when he brought her here for their third date, but Jisung has no resistance just following Daniel along into the shady bar with broken lights and wobbly chairs.

 

There is something funny about seeing a member of Korea’s favorite pop group sitting on one of the better bar stools, drinking self-distilled whiskey and eating cold nachos while obscure rock music blared from the old sound boxes mounted behind the bar.

 

There is something even funnier every time Daniel remembers that said member is Yoon Jisung, the same hyung who used to split the 8,000 won jjajangmyeon bowl with him because none of them has enough money to get a bowl by themselves.

 

“I moved here, into my aunt’s basement, got three jobs that barely covers my rent and cost for my online tuition.” Daniel shrugs and gulps down his whiskey. It is a little stronger today, he notices. “But if all goes well, I should have my diploma by next year and hopefully a better paying job so I can send money back home to mom. But enough about me, hyung. You are the one who needs to talk about the past year. God, can you believe? Your face is on main page of Naver like every day!”

 

“That’s not me. That’s Jihoon.” Jisung laughs, and Daniel remembers the blond boy Jisung introduced him to earlier. Barely 20 and already burning too bright - Daniel wonders how it feels to have an entire nation in the palm of his hand.

 

“But..” Daniel pokes. “Doesn’t it feel like a dream? I can’t even imagine that… you know. I am not doubting you or something like that, but would you have believed if I told you two years ago where the two of us would be on this day?”

 

“You should have been there with us.” Jisung says and Daniel sighs. It is not a new topic. Even when Jisung was still in Produce and Daniel spent almost all his data texting to Jisung and texting Mom to make sure that everyone they know voted for Jisung, he kept saying that Daniel should have waited. The new Produce season took off in a way they hadn’t predicted and if Daniel had just waited for two more months to move his whole life to 5000 miles away, maybe it could have been Daniel up there with him. “Niel, you would have made it. To the very top. People would have loved someone like you.”

 

“Well,” Daniel laughs. “I didn’t though, did I? And to be honest, hyung, you know I’m not the type to dwell over the missed chances. So, let’s just talk about you, yeah?”

 

“It’s weird.” Jisung mumbles. “I gave my mom and sister a card, so that’s good. Seulgi is even more uncontrollable now than the usual. She used my name to get into a top club the other day.”

 

“Did it work?” Daniel raises an eyebrow because that does sound like Seulgi.

 

“Unfortunately.” Jisung grimaces and Daniel laughs, pouring him more whiskey.

 

“You didn’t have to pay off my trainee debt, you know.” Daniel says softly as Jisung flags down the bartender and shoves the empty peanut cup at her with a wide grin.

 

“And break our pact?” Jisung turns to him and says in a scandalous tone. “No way.”

 

“We made that pact drunk.” Daniel reminds him. They got drunk on shitty discounted soju back then and made a pact that whoever that sees the silver lining of success first will pay off everyone’s trainee debt, which, back then, was hilarious because they were never going to see an amount that big.

 

Then, six months later, everyone under MMO except Daniel joined Produce 101, Jisung made it and paid off everyone’s debt after eight months to their agency.

 

“And it’s not just me, you know.” Daniel adds in. “Jaehan hyung said he feels bad too.”

 

“Jaehan is an idiot.” Jisung says decisively and wobbles a little. Daniel immediately puts an arm out to steady him and grabs the water bottle instead of the whiskey bottle. “So are you. I haven’t forgiven you yet for leaving me alone.”

 

Daniel scoffs.

 

“I mean it, asshole.” Jisung snaps and Daniel gives him a guilty smile because Jisung looks a little mad and sad for real. “It’s … difficult. You asked me how it was, right? It’s been fucking tough… no, don’t give me water. I want ...the thing...whiskey…”

 

“Hyung…” Daniel sighs even as Jisung snaps the whiskey bottle from the bar counter and fills it into his own glass. “Watch your alcohol. You can’t drink much.”

 

“I am not in Korea, so whatever.” Jisung says decisively and drowns his glass. Even Daniel winces.

 

“Is everything ok?” Daniel asks after Jisung calms down for coughing up a storm, probably from the sting of the whiskey. Serve him right. “Is it the scandal thing?”

 

Mom sent him the links two days ago, asking if everything’s alright with Jisung. Daniel didn’t think much of it because scandals and controversies happen in the korean entertainment industry as frequently as he breathes, but mom did say that it was blowing out of proportion, and specifically to check up on Jisung when they meet.

 

“It’s a … freaking … stupid scandal.” Jisung mutters. “But the kids are too young and easily scared. I am scared too, but I am the oldest so I can’t even show that I am scared. It’s just … shitty.”

 

“Hyung…” Daniel says hesitantly. “Did you get into any trouble with the company or ?”

 

“Just a couple of talks,” Jisung scoffs. “Nothing I can’t handle. I am trying my best to keep everyone calm and just … not think about it, but I don’t know, it’s difficult, especially with Minhyun and Sungwoon. They know the industry way better than I do so it’s not like I can use my age card on them. Sungwoon is taking this really hard, I can tell, and he won’t freaking talk to me.”

 

“I… I am sorry.” Daniel says because he does not know what else he can possibly offer. For the first time since he had know Jisung, he is having a problem that Daniel cannot relate to and Daniel feels shitty about that but nothing he says can be remotely useful.

 

“I don’t want to dump it all on you like that.” Jisung shakes his head and burps a little. “Don’t get me wrong. Life is good most of the times. It’s just… who knows people talking shit about you is worse than people ignoring you.”

 

Jisung has never had a particularly thick skin but Daniel is starting to see the growth of layers building up on him. He hasn’t exactly changed, but just different. He is in a different world now, Daniel guesses.

 

“Can I get one more of these?” Jisung shakes the empty whiskey bottles and asks.

 

“Hyung… you look like you already had enough.” Daniel reminds him because to be honest, most of the empty bottle went into Jisung and he always has had a bad alcohol tolerance.

 

Daniel wonders if it had been grown too.

 

“Niel,” Jisung blinks his unfocused eyes and leans into Daniel’s face. “Nielie. I hadn’t even drunk more than a bottle of soju in months because I am scared of what I say to people if I got drunk. So… please?”

 

Daniel sighs. He is glad that Jisung still has that intrinsic trust in him. Plus, Daniel has always been the type to believe in the ignorance power of alcohol so he flags down the bartender and asks for one more bottle.

 

* * *

 

Jisung gives up around half of the new bottle, and he has always been a quiet drunk so after a couple of incoherent sentences on lack of sleep and how soft an authentic Balmain sweater really is, he is already either asleep or knocked out, heading lolling over his elbow on the grimy table.

 

Daniel laughs softly, and pays their bills while thinking whether to drag Jisung down to the taxi stand or just calls an Uber to the front street. He had decided since twenty minutes back when Jisung’s words start to slur that he should probably just take Jisung back home for the night since (a) he does not have any contact number of anyone in Jisung’s company, and (b) he knows the hotel Wanna One is staying at but he is not sure if it is a good idea to bring the drunk and blacked out Wanna One leader to the hotel where their fans are probably camping out.

 

He had decided to just piggyback Jisung down to the taxi stand one street over because he doesn’t think ubers will be willing to come into this dingy lane, when Jisung’s phone lying on the table rings up with the name “Sungwoon” flashing on the screen.

 

“Hello?” Daniel answers into the phone unsurely. The background noise sounds like a restaurant.

 

“Hyung! You said you’d come meet me by 11. Where are you?”

 

“Eerr…” Daniel drawls out. “Sorry, this is Daniel actually. Jisung hyung is … unavailable.”

 

“Daniel?” Sungwoon asks. “Oh yeah, Jisung hyung did say that he was going out with you for dinner. What’d you mean he’s unavailable?”

 

“I mean he’s drunk and blacked out.” Daniel says and he can hear the shocked gasp from Sungwoon’s end of the phone.

 

“He never drunk that much.” Sungwoon mutters into the phone.

 

“Yeah, we just …” Daniel ponders his words, and settles on a small white lie. “...got lost talking about before. Didn’t really watch how much we were drinking.”

 

“Fuck.” Sungwoon says, mouthy as ever.

 

“Don’t worry, hyung.” Daniel adds in. “I’ll bring him to my place tonight and ask him to call the manager tomorrow when he gets up.”

 

“No, we have a flight right after breakfast tomorrow.” Sungwoon mutters. “Where are you guys? I’ll come pick him up.”

 

“Err..” Daniel mutters unsurely, but Sungwoon is right. If Jisung does not wake up on time tomorrow or if someone has to spend time picking him up from Daniel’s place, which is further north from the hotel, they might miss their flights. So he just rattles off the address of the shitty bar that they are in and Sungwoon went mute for a short second before telling him that he will be there in fifteen minutes.

 

It is closer to twenty minutes when Sungwoon finally arrives, coming in through the door in slow conscious steps until he spots Daniel waving at him from the counter. He is wearing a big hoodie and snapback, looking not much out of place with the other students that sometimes frequent.

 

It’s interesting, Daniel thinks, how different the Sungwoon on stage a few hours ago with full makeup, dainty dangling earrings and a choker and the Sungwoon now are. It has always been like this with Sungwoon - how he can go soft like a kitten’s paw one moment and how tough he can be at times.

 

“I guess that’s the culprit, huh?” Sungwoon points at the open whiskey bottle that Daniel is sipping from while waiting, and says.

 

“Guilty as charged.” Daniel shrugs as Sungwoon takes a whiff of it and immediately grimaces.

 

“You drink this?”

 

“It’s cheap, alright?” Daniel says in defense. “Plus, it does the job quite well.”

 

“I can tell.” Sungwoon scoffs, nodding at Jisung. “I have a taxi running outside. Can you …”

 

“Yeah, sure.” Daniel puts his backpack on and helps carry Jisung out of the bar. “How are you gonna sneak into your hotel? I saw a horde of girls around your hotel earlier.”

 

“There’s a basement guest car park that has a lift to our floor.” Sungwoon grunts, pushing Jisung into the backseat of the taxi outside. “I don’t want to trouble you or anything, but do you mind riding back with us? I’m not sure if I can carry him all the way up.”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel shrugs and crawls in after Jisung. His shift does not start until 1 pm anyway and he felt like he is somehow responsible for Jisung.

 

Sungwoon mumbles a thanks and gets into the front seat, giving the driver their hotel name.

 

* * *

 

“Did you guys make plans?” Daniel asks after a while and after making sure that Jisung is not craning his neck painfully on the head of the seat.

 

“Yeah, I went out with a few friends from here for dinner, but Jisung hyung said we should go do some sightseeing after I am done. He said you’d play tour guide.”

 

Daniel scoffs. “He never mentioned that actually. Where did you have dinner?”

 

“Some poutine place.” Sungwoon turns his neck to face Daniel and answers with a crinkled nose. “It’s overrated to be honest.”

 

“Hey, you are insulting the Canadian national treasure.” Daniel laughs and Sungwoon rolls his eyes.

 

“You are not even Canadian.”

 

“I bleed maple syrup now.” Daniel says in complete sobriety and Sungwoon just shakes his head.

 

“So I take it that you like it here?”

 

“It’s…” Daniel answers. “...not bad. It’s new.”

 

“Hmm..” Sungwoon hums and plays his slender fingers across the leather belt across his chest. “... I’d have never thought you moved to Canada, you know. When I met Jisung hyung on the registration day, I honestly thought you were with him.”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel gives a self deprecating laugh. “Not a lot of people knew I moved. I did it so suddenly.”

 

“Oh..” Sungwoon mutters. “So I wasn’t special then?”

 

“What do you mean?” Daniel blinks.

 

“I don’t know,” Sungwoon shrugs, a small smile on his face. “Your last message to me was that we can’t fuck anymore because you got a serious girlfriend, so when you went MIA, I thought you were just ditching me once and for all.”

 

“Hyung!” Daniel sputters at the easy way Sungwoon says things - it always had been easy for him. “You can’t say things like that out in the open.”

 

“Relax. I don’t think the driver understands Korean.” Sungwoon shrugs. “And Jisung hyung is pretty far gone to even hear us.”

 

Daniel groans. “It’s .. it’s not just you. Only Jisung and some MMO hyungs knew I was moving. I don’t know. I’m always bad at goodbyes so I just … did it.”

 

Sungwoon stares at him for a few beats before turning back into his seat. “I’ll take your words for it.”

 

* * *

 

Between the two of them, they manage to sneak Jisung up into his room which luckily is quite close to the elevator, and Daniel watches as Sungwoon drops a message to their manager saying they had gotten back to the hotel.

 

“Do you have to do anything in the morning?” Sungwoon asks as they step out of Jisung’s room and he closes the door behind him. “Work or something like that?”

 

“I have a shift, but it starts at 1.” Daniel looks down at his watch and says. It is only half past 12 so he does have plenty of time to get back home.

 

“Wanna hang out for a while?” Sungwoon lifts his face up and asks. “I have better alcohol.”

 

Daniel should probably say no, but old habits die hard. And he is still a little guilty about not telling Sungwoon that he was moving out of country, so he gives a _yes_ and follows Sungwoon into his own room.

 

* * *

 

Sungwoon’s hotel room is easily twice the size of Daniel’s bedroom and that is not even counting the balcony or the bathroom with a round bathtub that seems like it’d be heaven to just sink in after the day ends.

 

“Help me with this.” Sungwoon grunts and Daniel turns his head to see Sungwoon attempting to carry the wooden table in the room into the balcony. He rushes to help out and carries two of the chairs as well after, setting up a nice little space to drink. Sungwoon’s balcony overlooks the hotel’s outdoor pool and the busy traffic over the front gate but most of the noise does not carry up this high and the spring wind is cool, but not freezing.

 

Daniel leans his back into the chair and crosses his legs onto the rail of the balcony, feeling the soft wind on his face.

 

“I fought Woojin for this room.” Sungwoon says from the chair across him. “It was worth it.”

 

There seems to be an inside joke Daniel is missing, but he smiles and nods nevertheless, sipping on the vodka Sungwoon has poured him earlier. He does not handle mixed drinks that well but it was too tempting.

 

Sungwoon had changed into a thin t-shirt and shorts, sitting legs crossed on his chair and holding the glass in both his hand. He reminds Daniel of the time they first met - it was on a balcony as well, not as nice as this one but Sungwoon looks still the same.

 

_Daniel first met Sungwoon somewhere in between the autumn and winter of 2016, at the house of someone whose name had been long forgotten. Daniel ended up there under the generic “back dancers” invitation from one of the choreographers who knows someone who was holding a party for no other reason than wanting to get wasted, Daniel guesses. But Daniel is never one to turn down free food and more importantly, free booze, so he was there with Jisung and Jaehan in tow even though Jaehan wasn’t even part of the dance group that did the backup dancing for that particular cheoreo. It doesn't matter anyway because nobody knows anybody and yet somehow knows everybody at these kinds of parties and Daniel is cool with that._

 

_He ran into a guy on the second floor balcony after escaping to smoke. He had been trying to cut out cigarettes, he really was, but alcohol always makes his fingers itch so he sneaked up the stairs and out into the tiny balcony, occupant one._

 

_“Hi,” Daniel rasped out. “Do you mind if I smoke?”_

_“Go ahead.” The guy had said flippantly, taking a swig out of his beer bottle. Someone had introduced them earlier, Daniel vaguely remembered. But he had been introduced to a lot of people tonight and he stopped remembering their names half way through._

 

_“Daniel, right?” The guy had said after Daniel took a few guilty puffs of his cigarette._

_“Yeah,” Daniel nodded. “Sorry...I didn’t quite catch your name earlier…”_

 

_“Sungwoon.” Sungwoon had smiled back then, and it is weird that it is that one smile that stayed with Daniel for months and years because it is not like it was anything special for Daniel. “Ha Sungwoon.”_

_They stuck together for the rest of the night because Daniel couldn’t find his comrades, and also because Sungwoon seemed to know almost everyone at this party and if Daniel had learned anything from his teenage years being wasted in this industry, it is that someone who knows people is a good choice to have around._

 

_Plus, Sungwoon is fun to hang around and laughed at Daniel’s dumb jokes, and he also murdered everyone at the beer pong game, gaining him and Daniel, who played as his partner, some quickly expiring chicken coupons, so more free food, yes!_

 

_He didn’t remember all of that night clearly but he remembered at some point of time, Sungwoon was on his lap while they were doing some sort of lame card game and when Sungwoon leaned up and asked him if he wanted to go up, Daniel said yes not even fully knowing where “up” is. They ended up in someone’s neatly made bedroom that Daniel felt guilty for climbing on with his days-old jeans, but Sungwoon pulled him down by the hand and Daniel went along easily._

 

_Sungwoon asked, Daniel remembered this much, soft and mellow like gentle piano notes - “Can I kiss you?”_

_He asked, and Daniel said yes._

_Now, Daniel is not a prude; yes, he has dated exclusively girls, but he is not above kissing some boys, on a dare or just because he feels like it or just because they are pretty the way Sungwoon is._

 

_But Daniel never has had a boy’s nifty fingers unbuttoning his jeans so he froze a little when Sungwoon did just that, but when Sungwoon stopped to ask if that was ok, Daniel somehow ended up saying yes._

_He knew Sungwoon for a whole of three hours at that point, but he already couldn’t say no to him. It was kind of trippy to be honest._

_They didn’t go all the way that night. Sungwoon just ended up blowing him, and Daniel came embarrassingly fast because times were tough on privacy back then and he hadn’t had been dating for a while. Sungwoon eventually falls asleep next to Daniel, and Daniel did feel bad about not reciprocating the favor, but Sungwoon promised that he can repay next time when they exchanged numbers in the morning._

 

_Sungwoon kept the promise and it went on for a good while, which felt a little weird to Daniel every time he thought about it because he had never really given a thought about being in a relationship, even one that is purely physical, with a guy but Sungwoon made it so easy, like Daniel finding him in the small studio where he used to practice and kissing him in the common toilet that did not even properly lock is the most logical thing in the entire world._

 

_But when December rolled around, Daniel stopped being just flirty friends with Yoonjin and started being “something else” - something serious, and Daniel stopped finding excuses to go to Yongsan where Sungwoon’s practice room is. He felt kind of shitty but both of them had made pretty clear that this is just sex and Sungwoon did not seem to have any emotion - good or bad - when he replied an ok to Daniel’s messages about stopping whatever it is that they have it going._

 

_Three months later, Daniel broke up with Yoonjin, packed his bags and left. He did think about messaging Sungwoon when he was boarding and before he took out his Korean SIM card, but it felt too weird to message a guy he hadn’t talked to in months just when he is moving away, and Daniel had always prefer clean cuts._

 

_So he didn’t look back._

 

But now, he can look to the side and see Sungwoon with his eyes closed and fingers gently tapping on the table along with the beat of the soft music he has playing on his phone, and it’s just weird and nostalgic and a little painful.

 

Daniel finishes up his vodka and stretches his arms. It has been a long day - he spent the whole morning working shift at a moving company, lifting things. It pays pretty well but his joints do suffer everything he pulls a shift there.

 

“Wish I had a cigarette.” Sungwoon says and Daniel turns to look at him properly.

 

“You don’t smoke though?”

 

“I don’t.” Sungwoon nods. “But sometimes, I wish I do.”

 

Daniel is not sure what that means so he just shrugs. “I stopped, about half a year back.”

 

“Yeah?” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow. “Good for you.”

 

“Are you alright?” Daniel tests the water and Sungwoon’s raised eyebrows do not go down.

 

“Do I not look alright?”

 

“I don’t know.” Daniel shrugs. “Jisung hyung said you are taking … that thing … hard.”

 

Sungwoon doesn’t agree, but nor does he deny.

 

“It’ll be fine.” He eventually says and Daniel leans over to fill up his almost empty glass. Sungwoon takes it with a thanks and takes a big swig, not even wincing once.

 

“It will be.” Daniel repeats his words. “There are a lot of people who love you.”

 

“Maybe not as many as the ones that hate me.” Sungwoon says flippantly and Daniel grimaces.

 

“Hyung…”

 

“And it’s just … stupid, right? I’d understand if people hate me because I messed up or did something wrong but it’s just … I was there, that’s it.”

 

“I am sorry.”

 

Sungwoon turns to look at Daniel. “I… shit… I’m sorry, man. You don’t have to listen to me whine.”

 

“No, it’s fine.” Daniel shakes his head. “I bet you can’t say all that to Jisung hyung.”

 

Sungwoon purses his lips. “Jisung hyung … is dealing with even more shit. I don’t want to bother him with mine also.”

 

“He wouldn’t think like that.” Daniel leans in and says.

 

“I know,” Sungwoon shrugs. “But, it’s difficult enough for him. I can handle my own stuff.”

 

Daniel just lets it go because at the end of the day, he is an outsider no matter how close he is to Jisung - their team dynamics is theirs to navigate.

 

“Do you still dance?” Sungwoon asks and Daniel takes the conversation redirect without questioning.

 

“When I find time.” He answers. He tried not to because most of the times, it reminded him of what he had let go of, but he has been dancing for far too long to cut it out of his life completely. So, when he has time in between work and classes, he goes for this shabby little studio downtown that doesn’t charge on Tuesday public dance classes. The instructor there once asked if he wanted to pursue dance further and Daniel didn’t have the heart to tell her that he did have a degree - might be a useless one but still a solid one - in Modern Dance. “It’s…”

 

“Hold that thought…” Sungwoon says, lifting up a finger and Daniel stops, only belatedly realizing where Sungwoon is looking at, which is the wall behind him where two beams of fading lights are being pointed at.

 

“What’s ..” Daniel looks around their surrounding to see who the hell is pointing flashlights at them at the time of the night. “... is that security or something?”

 

“No, c’mon. Let’s go in.” Sungwoon says tersely, gathering the bottle and not bothering with the glasses so Daniel follows suit. Sungwoon does not waste any time pulling the thick curtains closed once both of them are back inside the room.

 

“What was that?” Daniel asked again.

 

“Sasaengs.” Sungwoon answers easily. “Guess they got a room across us. I saw a few girls peeking out from there earlier.”

 

“What the fuck!” Daniel exclaims. “Hyung, that’s so fucking unnerving. Have you told security?”

 

Sungwoon scoffs. “The hotel will not kick out any paying guest unless they actually break the law. I’ve tried before, and our team can’t do shit.”

 

“That’s…” Daniel replies, speechless. “... bullshit? If they are stalking you, they are dangerous.”

 

“It happens all the times anyway.” Sungwoon shrugs, looking for new glasses and Daniel does not get how calm he is when there are literal stalkers camping out across his room. “Plus, won’t look good for some forty year old men in our security team to be wrestling some teenage girls with too much time.”

 

“I still think it’s bullshit.” Daniel mumbles.

 

“I didn’t say it isn’t.” Sungwoon turns to him and shrugs. “Sorry, couldn’t find any more glass so straight up, I guess.”

 

Daniel takes the vodka bottle Sungwoon is handing him and drinks up a good amount, enough for his throat to burn pleasantly. He is at the stage where a couple more bad decisions are gonna knock him out so Daniel handed the half-filled bottle back to Sungwoon, and watches him drink up, his collarbones peeking out of his loose-fitting shirt.

 

Daniel had licked them once - he doesn’t know why he is remembering it now, but he did.

 

“Anyway,” Sungwoon continues after wiping his lips with the back of his hand, “You’ll also learn to live with it when you finally make it.”

 

“Me?” Daniel points at himself and scoffs. “Please.”

 

Sungwoon leans against the wall across his bed, so Daniel sits down on the bed itself, facing him. The floral lamp head from the nightstand is casting intricate shadows onto Sungwoon’s white shirt and Daniel gets a little dizzy from trying to count the flower petals.

 

“Did you give up?”

 

Daniel blinks up at him.

 

“Give up on what?”

 

“You know what.” Sungwoon draws a chair close to where Daniel is sitting and leans in until their knees are almost touching. “Your career. Your dream.”

 

Daniel wanted to and should have asked him what business Sungwoon has, asking things like that, but he can’t speak for once in his life. He has always said he had no regret, to mom, to Jisung hyung, to anyone who he had worked with before, that he had done his best trying and he had made peace with it and found a different path. But, for some reason tonight, maybe it is the alcohol or the person - he found it harder to lie.

 

“It was a kid’s dream.” He settled on a non-answer instead, but Sungwoon does not budge from where he is sitting.

 

“That doesn’t make it worth any less.” Sungwoon replies and sighs softly. “Do you know what’s the first thing I thought of when I first saw you all those times back?”

 

“That I am hot?” Daniel laughs, and that surprisingly gets a laugh out of Sungwoon as well.

 

“Well, make that the second thing I thought of then.”

 

“I don’t know.” Daniel shrugs. “A lot of people think I am scary when they first meet me.”

 

“Please. You were a total puppy.” Sungwoon shakes his head. “I thought you were going to be a star.”

 

Daniel lets out a little shocked laugh. “If you had told me that immediately, you’d have gotten into my pants way sooner.”

 

“I’m serious.” Sungwoon pouts. “There was just something about you.”

 

“Maybe it was just your dick talking.”

 

“Oh, my dick was talking, alright?” Sungwoon winks. “But mostly just incoherent screams about your thighs.”

 

Daniel laughs despite himself.

 

“Have you considered moving back?” Sungwoon asks and Daniel stops laughing. “Because, I know this isn’t my place to say, but I saw you earlier tonight and all I could think of is it’s such a waste that you are here.”

 

“You don’t know me that well to say that, hyung.” Daniel says, knowing that it might come out a little harsh, but Sungwoon really does not.

 

“I know that.” Sungwoon says. “But you used to love it so much - the dancing and being on stage, and just performing - I don’t need to know you well to see all that on your face every time you are on a stage even if that stage is like some two feet fuck wide platform. Plus, Jisung hyung can take care of you better now… he..”

 

“I am not going to mooch off of him.” Daniel snaps.

 

“Hey…” Sungwoon says hastily, leaning in until his hands are on Daniel’s spread knees. “I didn’t mean it like that …”

 

“You know what I’ve never told Jisung hyung..” Daniel says, blinking rapidly until his head stops spinning a little so he can focus on Sungwoon’s face that is doing some serious threatening to split into two mirages in front of his eyes. “I fucking hate it here. I can’t stand it. I hate the cold. I hate the stupid bland Kimchi they sold at Korea Town. I hate that I am so far away from my mom and I hate the stupid classes that don’t make a damn sense.”

 

“So… come back?” Sungwoon interrupts him.

 

“I can’t.” Daniel laughs bitterly. “I came here because I failed. Because 18 years old me was a stupid ass kid who thought he could make it, but he didn’t so I tucked my tail and ran here to at least make some good use of whatever life I had yet not wasted. I can’t go back and exploit on Jisung hyung just because he tried harder than me and made it.”

 

“I know a shitload about failing, Daniel.” Sungwoon says sternly. “And yeah, maybe you are right. It was a stupid ass dream and you will turn, I don’t know 40, 50 without ever getting a chance to live it, but don’t you owe to at least yourself to at least give it everything you have first? Also, Jisung hyung is going to beat the ever living shit out of you - actually, he won’t because he loves you way too much but I’ll gladly do it for him - if he ever heard you talking about the two of you like that.”

 

“You can’t beat me.” Daniel scoffs.

 

“You don’t know me, big boy.” Sungwoon rolls his eyes. “Listen, I know that I am in like knee deep right now in shits like scandals and stalkers and having to take injections that’ll keep me awake for days now but are probably gonna like give me cancer or something later, not really selling the ideal dream right now, but I am happy, Daniel. Even with all this shit, all I need is 5 minutes on a stage in front of people who want to listen to me sing because fuck, people genuinely want to listen to me sing now – do you know what that feels like? That’s all I need and I am really, truly happy. And this might come off creepy and a little over the line, but I think you should be happy too. You always look better happy.”

 

Daniel winds his hands at the back of his neck and just stares down at the flooring under his feet. He knows - he already knows whatever Sungwoon is saying deep down and it’d be a lie to say he doesn’t stay up until 3 in the morning thinking about going back and trying again, but it is so fucking hard after everything.

 

“I didn’t come here for life talk.” He finally says after he had gathered himself enough and probably doesn’t sound like a mess speaking.

 

“What did you come here for then?”

 

“I don’t know.” Daniel shrugs. “Alcohol.”

 

“Well…” Sungwoon turns his waist to grab at the bottle he had left abandoned on the floor. “... lucky for you, I have just that.”

 

Daniel takes the bottle and takes another burning swig; Sungwoon doesn’t when he passed it back to him. The room is really start to shake right now, so Daniel closes his eyes and lies down flat on the bed, knees awkwardly bending at the edge of the bed to support himself.

 

The bed is harder than he would have expected from a 5-star hotel - to be honest, his childhood bed at Busan is probably softer than this.

 

God he misses Busan. And his mom. And his cats. And the sea and busking on college streets and living off on applauses and shitty dollar store instant ramen, and kissing boys he met on balconies.

 

He misses himself.

 

“Are you sleeping?” The bed dips, ever so slightly because really, who makes a bed this uncomfortably hard, as Sungwoon sits down next to him and asks.

 

“No..” Daniel mutters and opens one eye. “Completely awake. I can like …” he stops to make sure he doesn’t burp. “... do a hundred and one cartwheels if I want to right now.”

 

“Please don’t.” Sungwoon says plainly, looking down at him. “I am sorry if I crosses any line. We haven’t seen each other for more than a year and I probably came down on you like some weird angry guidance counselor. I just … want to see you happy.”

 

“Can I kiss you?” Daniel asks him, hoping he gets the words correctly out of his mouth.

 

Sungwoon does not look surprised.

 

“Is that gonna make you happy?” He asks instead, and Daniel thinks really hard. He probably should not because he is supposed to be meeting … Caroline, no, Cather … Camilla tomorrow after her shift at … the place that she works, for a date thing, but then again … “Yeah, yeah, it’d make me happy.”

 

As it turns out, relearning someone’s lips is as easy as riding a bicycle again.

 

* * *

 

Daniel wakes up from an obnoxious alarm that sounds like a drilling noise, except it is being drilled into his ears. The room is dark when he finally convinced himself to open his eyes and swallow down some spit so that his throat does not feel like it has been stuck with two hundred dry fur balls. The curtains are still drawn close and Daniel can hear the water running from the attached bathroom.

 

He rolls over and grab the opened water bottle on the nightstand to gulp down the entirety of it before trying to rub sleep and tiredness off his face.

 

Sungwoon came out of the shower, wrapped in a thin robe and rubbing aggressively at his head before Daniel can complete the effort of getting out of bed.

 

“Morning…” Sungwoon says cautiously and Daniel smiles at him even though he does not completely feel like it.

 

They didn’t do anything that physically _intimate_ last night, but Daniel thinks making out with someone who is not the person you are dating definitely counts as cheating, and shit, he never wanted to be that kind of guy. Sure, he had slept around a lot and flirted with different people at the same time, but he had always made sure that once he is dating someone properly, he is only theirs. And this is the first time he broke that rule.

 

Sungwoon is really coming to be a lot of firsts in Daniel’s life.

 

But more than that, more than that act of physical intimacy, Daniel hadn’t opened up (or more accurately, word vomited) to anyone lately, not even his mom because he knows she will worry and just be sad. Hell, he hasn’t even been that honest with himself in a long time because pretending to be content seems like the first step to be actually content.

 

But maybe because Sungwoon is in that weird stage where he is not exactly a stranger but not someone who is that close either, or maybe because Daniel had reached his tipping point and Sungwoon just happened to be the victim due to the sheer dumb luck of being around Daniel when it happened, whatever is the reason, he had told Sungwoon things he had not told a single soul.

 

Daniel is not sure if he likes that.

 

“Are you alright?” Sungwoon asks, concern evident in his voice and Daniel nods. Whatever that had happened, at least, it is not Sungwoon’s fault, and there is no point in making him worried over Daniel too.

 

“I’ll be fine.” Daniel says, voice coming out like he’s spent the night screaming into ocean. “Hangover recovery does not come as fast as it used to, you know.”

 

Sungwoon just laughs, and reaches into his suitcase. “Eat breakfast here. You said you don’t work until 1, right?”

 

“That’s true…” Daniel mumbles. “But I don’t want to intrude.”

 

“You should say goodbye to Jisung hyung since you are already here anyway.” Sungwoon says. “We’ll just tell him we drunk over the night and you stayed over.”

 

Daniel really should not because he feels like he’s been infringing on them for far too long, but his stomach is rumbling and the bus ride back is going to be hell on an empty stomach.

 

“I can hear your stomach growling from here, Daniel.” Sungwoon continues when Daniel does not reply and Daniel just shakes his head, and laughs.

 

“Alright. Thank you, hyung.”

 

* * *

 

Jisung looks miserable, but at least pleasantly surprised when he sees Daniel in the hotel’s dining hall.

 

“Am I still drunk?” He mumbles when Daniel sits down in front of him with his platter of breakfast. At least, it is a buffet so he can gorge on greasy bacons and eggs to kill away at his hangover.

 

“I stayed over at Sungwoon hyung’s room.” Daniel says as an explanation. “We caught up over a few drinks.”

 

Jisung grimaces. “How did you have the liver to drink even more after us?”

 

“Well,” Daniel laughs. “You were the one doing the most drinking last night. How’s the hangover treating you?”

 

Jisung groans. “It might hurt less if I just let a truck run over me.”

 

“I guess your age is talking.” Daniel smirks and Jisung gives him a glare before shoving an omelet piece into his mouth. Sungwoon passes them by, smelling like the peach body wash Daniel borrowed from him earlier to wash up, and sat down two tables over, next to Hwang Minhyun and Bae Jinyoung.

 

Sungwoon did spare a small smile at Daniel when he catches Daniel looking at him, and Daniel smiles back, before turning back to Jisung and stealing the bacon off his plate because he knows that’ll annoy Jisung.

 

Some things don’t need to change.


	2. October 2018

Daniel runs into Camilla at an early Halloween party of a common friend – she looks well, better than when he broke up with her seven months ago.

 

“I heard they are laying off people at your outlet.” Camilla says, probably as a casual conversation, but it still hits him a little painfully.

 

“Yeah.” Daniel nods. They met at a chain retail store before Camilla moved to a different outlet closer to her college. “They let Louis go last week.”

 

“No way.” Camilla says, her big eyes widening even more. “He’s one of the best!”

 

“What can you do?” Daniel shrugs. “They are gonna close down the outlet soon anyway.”

 

He’s heard about that a couple of weeks ago. He hadn’t been let go of officially but he’s heard gossips and whispers about their outlet being shut down and he won’t be surprised if he gets the notice anytime soon.

 

“Well, there are some openings at a few places I know if you need it.” Camilla offers and Daniel gives her a sincere thanks before her new boyfriend comes and Daniel leaves to not let any awkwardness linger.

 

Getting another part time job is not that difficult – it is just that Daniel likes working at this store, and the hours are convenient. Plus, he is getting burned out from doing things just to survive and just passing second by second without any aim.

 

He leaves the party early because he is in one of his moods, and he also has a quiz tomorrow. He is still about 15 months away from getting his online diploma in Business Management, but he is already almost failing some of the classes because he cannot focus enough.

 

“You are home early.” His aunt is sitting at the dining table and drinking her tea, when he comes in through the front door.

 

His aunt is … different from his mom. She is much less warm even though Daniel knows she is probably as caring. They were closer before she left for Canada when he was in middle school. His mom says her sister grew distant because she had to struggle a lot trying to survive in a foreign country – she is still struggling a fair bit even if things are marginally better now for her.

 

“No work tonight.” Daniel answers and heads to the fridge to get his water bottle.

 

“Your mother sent food again.” His aunt says. She insists on speaking English even when it is just the two of them because she likes to keep practicing even after 10 or so years. “I went to the post office.”

 

Daniel takes a look at the tightly wrapped and sealed boxes on the kitchen counter, and sighs. He keeps telling mom not to because the postal fee is expensive and it will just tire her out, but he can’t lie and say that he doesn’t eat better with her food.

 

“Thank you.” He says and moves to open them up. Some of the things mom sent over used to get detained at the post office because they were leaking and smelling so now she packs everything in five or six layers, and it takes ages to get them opened. “I think she sent namul again. Have you eaten?”

 

“I ate.” His aunt waves a hand. “Honestly, I do not understand why she keeps sending things. Everything can be bought here!”

 

“They don’t taste the same.” Daniel smiles and rips apart the first package, which is dried Pollock. God, he hopes he still had some rice left.

 

“She misses you.” His aunt and Daniel stops in his quest for rice.

 

“I know.” He finally replies. “She tells me that every time we talk.”

 

“She’s always been like that. Too emotional.” His aunt continues. Daniel is not even sure if she has heard him. “I asked her to come with me when I left. We had nothing there. At least, we could have made it together here, but she wanted to raise you there. She said you both will be happier there.”

 

Daniel knows the story, heard it from both his mom and his aunt a thousands times over, and sometimes he does wonder how his life would have turned out if he had been raised in Canada. Maybe he’d be less annoyed at the eternal biting cold.

 

“I don’t blame her, you know.” His aunt continues as he sits down in front of her with leftover rice and his mom’s dishes. “I mean I did, but now that I am older, I know trying to be happy is a braver effort than people would think.”

 

Daniel smiles a little. His mom is the bravest person he knows and it is nice having that acknowledged.

 

“Are you happy here, Daniel?” His aunt asks and Daniel stops eating. This is the second time someone has caught him off guard and asked him this question, and Daniel does not have a better answer the second time around.

 

“I am not … unhappy.” He answers and his aunts tsks in that very familiar way his mom tends to do as well.

 

“That’s not an answer.” His aunt continues. “Your mom only let you come here because you said you wanted to, but what is the point of it if you do not want to be here?!”

 

“I don’t not want to be here.” Daniel mumbles.

 

“My English tutor says double negatives are bad.” His aunt says decisively, and Daniel mutters a _sorry._

 

“I will have a diploma next year and get a stable job.” Daniel replies. “Then, I can start making some decent income and I can send mom money and maybe … I don’t know … make something out of my life.”

 

“Daniel … we…” his aunt starts and then makes a frustrated noise before switching to Korean. “We are not rich. We are never going to be rich and have houses and cars and all that, but we are not struggling to live either. Your mom does not need your money, she never needed much money to be happy, that woman. She always lived her life the way she wanted to and I think she’d want the same from you.”

 

Daniel does not answer and just stubbornly eats his rice so his aunt tsks again, pushing her chair and getting up.

 

“At least call her tonight, will you?”

 

Daniel just nods, and his aunt shakes her head, leaving to wash her mug in the sink. Daniel presses the heel of his hand into his eyes and finishes his meal.

 

* * *

 

It’s almost noon in Busan when he finally gathers himself enough to call mom. She answers in a tone that is as light as ever and immediately asks if he gets the food she had sent over the weekend.

 

“I told you it’s not necessary, mom.” Daniel sighs. “You can get almost everything Korean here.”

 

“You’ve always been a picky eater unless it is meat.” His mom says and Daniel can hears the cacophony around her. She’s probably out for lunch. “And there are so many things you can accidentally eat and trigger your allergies over there. It’s better if you eat more at home. You will put on some healthy weight too.”

 

Daniel sighs. Ever since Jisung told her that Daniel had lost weight seven months back, mom has been sending even more food.

 

“I’m fine, mom.” Daniel tells her. “I started going to the gym so I am healthier now than ever.”

 

Mom trails off into some mindless conversations about the gym near her house that she is thinking of signing up for and how much colder it is getting in Korea now so it must be worse off in Canada, and if she should just send him some winter coats as well. Daniel keeps and keeps listening to her talk about nothing and everything until he can’t take it anymore and blurts out. “Mom… can I … can I come back? I want to come back.”

 

Mom goes completely silent for a couple of beats before she manages to choke out a reply. “Oh, Daniel, baby, you don’t need to ask, you know that. You can always come back.”

 

“I am sorry.” Daniel rasps out; he does not want to cry – not in front of his mom, not when he is supposed to be a grown up adult taking care of her and not the other way around. “I am really sorry, mom. I tried. I really tried to live my life here, but it is too suffocating and I feel like I am losing my mind.”

 

“Baby, I never wanted you to go, you know that.” His mom whispers into the phone. “Get on a plane tomorrow. I will go down to Seoul tonight to pick you up.”

 

“Mom!” Daniel laughs despite himself. “It can’t be that immediate. I need to tie things up here.”

 

“But you will come back?” Mom asks, and Daniel wonders if she is worried that he will change his mind. She cried for days when Daniel told her two years ago that he wanted to leave Korea and tried to change his mind every single day. Daniel is not very proud to think back of those days which probably left some scars on her mind.

 

“I will.” Daniel says decisively, more to himself than to mom. “I am going to come back, and try again.”


	3. November 2018

The coldness in Seoul is almost welcoming. Daniel has never been a particularly nostalgic person but he can’t help himself walking around Hongdae aimlessly, randomly stopping at places where he had once busked or worked or queued for hours to get into clubhouse openings.

 

There are posters everywhere in Hongdae with faces of Wanna One members, advertising their latest comeback, and Daniel stares guiltily at the ones with Jisung’s face on them, because he hasn’t told Jisung that he is back.

 

Which he understands is a dickhead move, but Jisung had been busy lately in preparation for his comeback, and Daniel had been busy moving. He touched down almost two weeks back, and spent the days in Busan with his mom and the cats – four cats to be exact, his mom really went ham on adoption while he was away, but the new kitties are cute so he cannot complain.

 

He took the train to Seoul this morning and made plans to meet up with Jaehan tonight. Jisung is going to be pissed that he told Jaehan first, but Daniel just wants to start small, see what Jaehan had been up to and maybe get some idea on how he can start. Or restart, whatever.

 

Jaehan is apparently signed to a new agency and preparing for debut, which Daniel is happy about, even if Jaehan himself does not seem that confident about his debut.

 

“At least, you are signed to an agency, hyung. And I am guessing they do have some money if they are planning for your debut.”

 

“I guess.” Jaehan shrugs over the grilled pork. “I am not entirely sure but so far, we hadn’t had to pay anything out of our pocket so I am taking it as small blessings.”

 

“That’s a big blessing.” Daniel tells him, remembering the countless times he had to pay for costume and makeup for whatever small stages their company has managed to book up when he was a trainee. “Do you still meet up with Jisung hyung?”

 

“I saw him two months back before he got busy with schedule.” Jaehan answers. “Speaking of, isn’t his comeback today?”

 

“Wait, that’s today?” Daniel blinks, and takes out his phone to launch Naver. Yes, it is definitely today. Well, add that to one more thing on the list of things Jisung is going to nag at him about later.

 

He keeps talking to Jaehan until Jaehan’s manager calls around 7.

 

“Sorry.” Jaehan grimaces after he hangs up the call. “I got to run for practice.”

 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” Daniel smiles. “I guess not everyone can be jobless like me.”

 

“I can ask around if my agency is taking trainee.” Jaehan says and Daniel nods, even if he doubts it given that Jaehan’s agency is relatively new and not yet established. Still, no harm in trying, he guesses. “It really was good to see you here again, Niel. Let’s meet up, all of us, if we can.”

 

“Sure,” Daniel nods and sends Jaehan off to the taxi stand. Daniel himself is staying at a small backpacker hostel in Hongdae, so he just needs to walk for a couple of blocks back to his place, but he decided to take the long route, taking in the Seoul night that he didn’t even know he missed.

 

Four or five girls pushed and run past him before Daniel noticed that there is something going on because even with the kind of crowd that Hongdae attracts, it is a little weird for people to be suddenly running in his direction.

 

“Please don’t cross this line!” Someone in front of him is yelling into a loud speaker and Daniel catches a girl before she goes flying into the crowd that is suddenly thickening around him. She gives him a distracted thanks and keeps yelling into her phone. “Wanna One. Wanna One is here! Yes, I am at the front near Olive Young. Can you just push through?”

 

Shit.

 

Daniel looks around to see camera crew setting up lights and microphones a couple of feet away from him and a guy he has seen on TV before talking rapidly to people that seem like a production crew.

 

“Please don’t cross the line.” The guy with the loud speaker is yelling again. “Let them walk through or we will have to relocate to a private place. Do not push!”

 

Daniel suddenly wants to turn and run but he is sandwiched in between people and his big frame is not helpful when he needs to squish in between the crowd. Sure, he can just shoulder his way through but he is sure all the hyped up girls around him are not gonna let him live if he just did that.

 

A black car is pulling up into the street in front of the crowd, and Daniel sweats a little more in the biting coldness of November. It’s fine. There are like 300 people here. Jisung is not going to see Daniel.

 

Except Daniel kind of forgets that he is a head or two taller than most of the girls around him, and he had also dyed his hair bright red so when Wanna One members step out of the car to wave around, he immediately sees the moment where Sungwoon recognizes him.

 

Sungwoon looks good – it is not the place for this, but his platinum hair makes him look like some manhwa character humanized and Daniel can appreciate that. But then, Sungwoon is turning towards Jisung, who is standing next to him with an enthusiastic grin even though Daniel is trying to communicate to him wordlessly to _not._

 

Jisung’s eyes land on him, and Daniel shrinks into his form.

 

Well, this is not going to be pretty.

 

* * *

 

“I cannot believe the nerve of you!” Jisung is yelling with his hands on hips like some kind of a kindergarten teacher. Daniel guesses it is only fitting since Jisung likes to call Daniel Kang Choding so much.

 

“The last time I messaged you, you didn’t reply for like two days.” Daniel reminds him. “So, I just figured you are busy.”

 

“That’s because you were talking to me about the new Spiderman game, Daniel. You know I don’t understand that.” Jisung says with his patented disappointed™ face. “But how can you not tell me something like you moving back here?!”

 

“I was going to tell you eventually.” Daniel mumbles, and sips at the beer Sungwoon has handed him earlier before leaving him at Jisung’s mercy.

 

See, Daniel has never expected to end up at Wanna One’s dorm when the night started but here he is, sitting on a couch in Wanna One’s dorm and drinking something that a Wanna One member had handed him earlier and getting chewed out by the Wanna One leader.

 

Life is funny like that.

 

Wanna One’s manager – the one who is familiar to Daniel because he helped them load the luggage into the car at the hotel found him in the crowd and asked him if he minds coming with him back to the dorm because Jisung wants to talk to him.

 

It felt very much like being kidnapped by the Mafia but Daniel still went along so that Jisung does not feel any more betrayed. When Sungwoon saw him came in with the manager, he just raised an eyebrow and asked one of the members – Guanlin, Daniel thinks – if he wants to go to the gym with him. He did make sure to give Daniel a drink and whispered to him that he is glad to see Daniel again, which Daniel cannot give too much thoughts about right now because he was too busy getting chewed out by Jisung.

 

“How long had you been here?”

 

“Two weeks.” Daniel says carefully, and adds in at Jisung’s even angrier eyebrows. “I was in Busan spending time with mom! I reached Seoul just today. And I immediately ran into you guys – what the hell.”

 

“Well, you were never good at being sneaky.”

 

“I wasn’t trying to be sneaky.” Daniel rolls his eyes. “I really was planning on calling you, hyung. After I settle down. I know you are busy as well.”

 

“Are you back for good?” Jisung asks.

 

“I think so.” Daniel nods. “I mean, I probably am. I don’t know.”

 

“And what are your plans? Are you coming back into the industry?”

 

“I want to, but,” Daniel laughs. “… I don’t know, hyung. You know that it is not that easy.”

 

“Sign with me.” Jisung says out of the blue, and Daniel shakes his head a little in case his ears somehow get clogged by the cold or something.

 

“Sign with … you?”

 

“My agency.”

 

Daniel blinks. He does know that Jisung has set up an independent label under CJ, but what?

 

“We are looking for trainees now, and Niel, you are more than qualified.”

 

“Hyung…” Daniel starts. “I can’t do that.”

 

“Why not?” Jisung looks honestly surprised.

 

“Because…” Daniel laughs bitterly. “I am not that shameless! Hyung, I am not just gonna ride off your money…”

 

“Ya.” Jisung cuts him off with a yell. “Are you freaking crazy? What shamelessness? I am offering you a job.”

 

“Hyung, I can’t just let you take care of me again. You’ve already paid off my debt, and I …”

 

“Daniel, listen.” Jisung cuts him off again, and man, being a leader is really making him more assertive, huh? “If some casting agent approached you earlier and asked you to sign to their agency, would you have said yes? You would have, right?”

 

Daniel would have literally jumped from a bridge to say yes.

 

“So, why is it different if it is my agency?”

 

“Because …” Daniel says exasperatedly. “… you are signing with me because I am me and you somehow always think you had to take care of me.”

 

“Give me some credit, Daniel.” Jisung snaps. “This is my life too. After this, after we disband Wanna One, my entire career is in that agency. Do you think I’d just blindly make offers because it is you?”

 

Daniel does think he would because Jisung is just that kind of person, but he does not verbalize that.

 

“I am enlisting in March.” Jisung says and Daniel gasps. Of course, he knows that Jisung’s enlistment date is near, but he does not realize _this_ near. “And my agency is literally me and my CEO and some investors from CJ, and she is capable and I am lucky to have her, but we have nothing to go on at this point, Niel. That’s why she’s been looking out for trainees because we need to have something going on so when I get discharged, it is easier for me to transition back into the scene.”

 

Jisung has given this a lot of thoughts, and Daniel supposes he should not be surprised at that but it is still a little weird, that they are having this kind of talk – about agencies and careers and fucking enlistments of all things.

 

Daniel sighs and chugs his almost empty beer can.

 

“We cannot promise you anything.” Jisung continues. “We’ll basically have to start at zero. I mean, we don’t even have any staff because we don’t have anyone there yet. So, I am not offering you any free ride. I am asking you to work together with me, the way we did before, and yeah, maybe it’s my money that set this agency up, but I need your effort and you to help it get somewhere. Do you think you can do that for me?”

 

“I think..” Daniel laughs. “I think I’d actually prefer it if you are just offering me a free ride.”

 

He does not, and Daniel knows Jisung knows that. He can work. If anything Daniel had figured out about himself over the course of last two years, it is that he can give his best to anything he has set his mind on, and work until he is down to the bones, which, granted, might not be the best thing for him, but he can deal with hard work.

 

Luck, he guesses, is harder to get by and his mom did always say to grab opportunity by the throat if it presents to himself.

 

Daniel would be a fool to let this go.

 

“I’ll give Ms. Kim your number.” Jisung says decisively because he sometimes knows Daniel better than he knows himself. “She’s the CEO on page for now. She worked in SM for years so she does have some connections but we never did get a chance to sit down and strategize. It might be worth it for you to at least sit down and talk to her.”

 

“Ok,” Daniel nods in a daze. “I’ll talk to her.”

 

“Good,” Jisung says. “She is way better than me at this persuading thing.”

 

“I think you did a pretty good job, hyung.” Daniel says and Jisung smiles at him for the first time tonight. “And congratulations on your comeback. I didn’t get to say that earlier.”

 

“Did you at least listen to it?”

 

“Not yet.”

 

Jisung rolls his eyes. “You are a brat.”

 

* * *

 

Daniel runs into Sungwoon on his way out. Sungwoon, Lai Guanlin and Hwang Minhyun are just coming out of the lift when Daniel finishes tying up his boots and getting ready to leave.

 

“Are you leaving already?” Sungwoon asks, and Daniel nods, giving customary bows to them.

 

“Jisung hyung said you guys have overseas schedule in the morning.”

 

“That we do,” Sungwoon groans as Lai Guanlin opens the door. “I’ll come in later. Give us a minute?”

 

Hwang Minhyun, who has his hand over Sungwoon’s shoulders, Daniel notices, nods and gives Daniel a polite greeting before going inside.

 

“So,” Sungwoon smiles up at him – his hair is still moist from the shower and his face is make up free but still looks like Daniel can roll a quarter off of his smooth cheeks. “…welcome back? I was thinking you were just visiting, but looks like it’s not?”

 

“I..” Daniel shakes his head. “No, I am not just visiting.”

 

“That’s great, Daniel!” Sungwoon’s eyes light up like he is genuinely glad that Daniel is here.

 

“And I … erm …” Daniel laughs. “I think I just got signed to Jisung hyung’s agency?”

 

“Really?” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow. “I mean I am not surprised that it happened. Just at how fast it is.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, me too.” Daniel shakes his head. Holy fuck. He has an agency. Sure, it might be a three-person agency as of now and he hadn’t even met the CEO but holy fuck, he has an agency.

 

“Congratulations, then.” Sungwoon smiles and Daniel suddenly feels very warm.

 

“Thank you, hyung, really.”

 

“For what?” Sungwoon blinks.

 

“That night, back in Vancouver,” Daniel says. “We talked, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. If you hadn’t brought it up …”

 

“You would have still end up here, Daniel.” Sungwoon interrupts him with a smile. “I mean, I am glad that I can be of some kind of help, but like I said, you always seemed like a star. I have no doubt you’d be here again.”

 

Sungwoon squeaks a little when Daniel pulls him into a hug. He smells like the same peach body wash, and something a little more earthy and home.

 

“Thank you,” Daniel says again, and Sungwoon laughs, his chuckles ringing right into Daniel’s shoulders.


	4. March 2019

Sungwoon is the one who reaches first. They are at Jisung’s official send-off; reporters have arrived since half an hour back and some of them even took Daniel’s photo when he reaches with Ms. Kim. Daniel doubts they recognize him as the back dancer number 2 of Chungha – they were probably just testing their films or something. Some of the fans yell out his name though, which is a little weird considering the only thing they knew about them is that he is signed under the same agency as Jisung and had been tagged in a couple of photos on Jisung’s instagram. Daniel still gives them a smile and asks the ones closer by to wait under the shade because hints of spring may have come in, but the wind is still brutal.

 

Sungwoon comes into the small shelter set up outside the enlistment camp in a thick windbreaker accompanied by the yells and cheers from the reporter and the fans outside.

 

“Coffee?” Daniel asks him as Sungwoon takes off his beanie and shook at his now black hair.

 

“Yes, please.” Sungwoon nods with a smile, and Daniel takes one of the ten coffee cups he got to-go to him. “Where’s Jisung hyung?”

 

“Still in the car with his family.” Daniel nods and peers out the tent as more scream come on. Looks like Ong Seongwoo had arrived as well. “His mom doesn’t want to do the entire saying-goodbye thing in front of the reporters.”

 

“Make sense.” Sungwoon nods and blows on his coffee. “Did I tell you my grandpa is grouching that I should have enlisted the same time with Jisung hyung?”

 

“You did, hyung.” Daniel laughs. Sungwoon sure did tell him, among other twenty millions irrelevant small things about his life through text – Sungwoon is a heavy texter, Jisung had told Daniel that much; he is the kind of person who would send a message to ten random people to tell about the lunch he had eaten or the joke he has heard from somewhere. Daniel likes it though; it keeps him entertained. “What did you tell him this time?”

 

“That I should make as much money as I can when people still know my face.” Sungwoon grunts and turns his attention to Ong Seongwoo who is coming inside.

 

Ms. Kim pulls him aside to run through his schedule today again, which is not a very tight schedule, but it is still the most important one they’ve had in months. She somehow manages to get him casted in a Crush music video, which to be honest, is a big deal and Daniel is totally freaking out a little because acting is not his forte, and this kind of opportunity is rare to come by – he cannot afford to screw this up. They are driving forty minutes right after they sent off Jisung to the scheduled music video location and he has to do his makeup in the car, but they will make do.

 

Everyone has more or less arrived when Daniel was talking to Ms. Kim, and the small tent is definitely not set up with the goal of fitting in ten Wanna One members and their managers, so Ms. Kim lead them outside since they only have about 10 minutes before Jisung has to sign in anyway.

 

Daniel follows outside and keeps a distance as the former Wanna One members pose in front of the flashing cameras and fans, around a suited Jisung, who is smiling brightly like it wasn’t him whining just last night after buzzing his hair off.

 

“Don’t get into too much trouble.” Daniel tells him when it is eventually his turn to say goodbye. He doesn’t have much to say because that is what the last two nights they spent drinking and musing over the past were for.

 

Jisung rolls his eyes and punches him in the shoulder good-naturedly. “I should be telling that to you, you brat. Take care of yourself when I am gone.”

 

“I always do.” Daniel grins and lets Jisung pull him into a hug before letting him go to his mom, who is waiting near the gate.

 

“Well,” Ms. Kim comes next to him and says. “Guess you are now the biggest star we have to offer, huh?”

 

“Well,” Daniel laughs. “I wish you the best of luck then.”

 

* * *

 

The music video shoot finishes without a hitch, and Daniel does not even has to act. It is more of aesthetics _posing_ against different backgrounds, and Daniel has done enough odds and ends modeling jobs to be able to do this kind of shoot with his eyes closed.

 

The clothes they put him in are a little uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing if that is the biggest complaint he has for the day. He even got to say his greetings and talk a little to Crush, which is a feat on its own.

 

Ms. Kim cannot pick him up and they still hadn’t found (or to be frank, haven’t yet see any solid reason to start looking seriously) a manager for him, so Daniel decides to take the bus back to Seoul since it is a non-peak hour on a weekday and the traffic is relatively light.

 

When Sungwoon calls him, Daniel is fast asleep and only wakes up on the fourth and fifth ring of his phone. But it is lucky that he gets awoken because it is only a few stops to his place, and he would have just slept right past it.

 

“Are you at home?” Sungwoon asks into the phone as Daniel rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

 

“Almost. Why?”

 

“I am in your neighborhood. Just got out of a meeting actually.” Sungwoon says. “Wanna get dinner?”

 

Daniel blinks and looks down at his watch. It is already half hour past 8 and his stomach is rumbling a little. “Sure. What do you want to eat?”

 

* * *

 

Sungwoon asks him to meet at this little Western café that a lot of celebrities frequent. It is a little on the pricey side, but each booth comes with their own pseudo room so Daniel understands the privacy and exclusivity that outweigh.

 

He does not remember when exactly he started hanging out regularly with Sungwoon but they meet at least once a week or sometimes, even two or three times a week. Daniel already knows how easy it is to fall into Sungwoon’s orbits of uncountable friends and acquaintances, but he would honestly say that at this point, he sees and hangs out with Sungwoon more than people he had known most of his adult life. He does not know what that makes them but Daniel thinks “close friend” is not a wrong term to use here.

 

“Did they not have food at your shoot?” Sungwoon asks and Daniel swallows down the big chunk of steak he had shoved into his mouth. Sungwoon just shakes his head a little and pushes the water bottle towards him.

 

“They did, but that was like ten hours ago.” Daniel says after making sure that he is not choking. “Sorry.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Sungwoon waves a hand and cuts at his own steak. “Just making sure you are getting fed properly. Jisung hyung was worried that you’d be missing him too much to eat, but I can now see that that’s a useless concern.”

 

“Ha.” Daniel gives him a dry laugh and tries not to make too much of a scene eating his food. “I am eating for all the tears I have cried over him.”

 

“I am sure.” Sungwoon scoffs and bites down on his own food.

 

“What are you in the neighborhood for?” Daniel asks after a while. The wine is pretty good and goes extremely well with the steak, and he is feeling a little too warm from the candles lit across the table. “Shooting something?”

 

“I finished my schedules earlier.” Sungwoon says with a shake of his head. “I was meeting with my realtor actually. Viewing a place around here.”

 

“You are moving out from the dorm?” Daniel raises an eyebrow. As far as he knows, Sungwoon is still living at the Hotshot dorm.

 

“The lease expires next month.” Sungwoon shrugs. “My manager has been pushing to get somewhere with more security. And since I am turning 26 soon, I figure it’s time I should start looking for a place for my own.”

 

“Fair enough.” Daniel nods. “How is it going? The place search?”

 

“Terrible.” Sungwoon wrinkles his nose. “I mean, I did find some good places, but they are only available for rent, and even if they aren’t, I don’t think I can buy any of those without making a good dent in my account.”

 

“You are looking to buy?”

 

“That’s the plan, but I think I’ll end up just renting at this rate. I don’t understand much about the housing market or have the time to do research to know what is a good buy and what is not anyway.”

 

“My mom used to work in real estate in Seoul.” Daniel offers. “I mean, that was like five, six years back, but she still has some contacts. Do you want me to ask her to ask around?”

 

Sungwoon looks pensive. “I don’t want to trouble your mom.”

 

“She’d be more than happy to.” Daniel says with a shake of his head.

 

“If it’s not too much trouble, that’d be great.” Sungwoon nods and there is a piece of stray pea on the corner of his mouth so Daniel reaches without thinking and picks it up with his handkerchief.

 

“Thanks,” Sungwoon mumbles, and Daniel is pretty sure it is the reflection of the red wine from the candles that is forming a pink blush on Sungwoon’s cheeks.

 

“How is work?” Sungwoon asks after they quiet down for a while, each going back to their own food. “Any important schedule coming up?”

 

“I don’t know yet.” Daniel replies. “I have a few CFs, mostly just walk-by roles and some demo works, but nothing special.”

 

“I saw your dance cover for Beautiful the other day, by the way.” Sungwoon says and Daniel flushes a little at the mention of the dance cover on his YouTube channel. “It was, well, beautiful. I like your form when you dance.”

 

“Only when I dance?” Daniel asks and Sungwoon rolls his eyes for an answer.

 

It is not exactly flirting, but Sungwoon is easy to say things like this – just a little cheekiness, and Daniel likes that about them – how easy things are betwen them.

 

“I take back my compliment.”

 

“No can do.” Daniel waves his fork at Sungwoon. “It’s mine now. Non refundable.”

 

Sungwoon laughs.

 

“What happen to Produce 4?” Sungwoon asks after a while. “Didn’t you say you were thinking about sighing up?”

 

“I did. Ms. Kim still thinks I should, but I don’t know.” Daniel shakes his head and says. “Watching you or Jisung hyung went through all that. I am not sure if I am strong enough to handle all that.”

 

“Daniel,” Sungwoon puts down his fork and says seriously. “You are one of the strongest people I know, and it is not just because you can probably bench press the two of me. If you want to do it, I guarantee you … you can handle it.”

 

“You are always too generous with me, hyung.” Daniel replies. He is not sure if it is Sungwoon’s innate trust in people or if Daniel is just special, but Sungwoon has the kind of unwavering belief in Daniel that few people outside of his mom and Jisung have. Daniel does appreciate it, but it is also a little burdensome because it is one more standard to live up to. “Maybe I should rethink about letting you meet my mom.”

 

“Why?” Sungwoon narrows his eyes.

 

“Because I think she can easily recruit you into the Kang Daniel fan club. Current member count is one, who also happens to be the founder and the president of the club.”

 

Sungwoon laughs freely. “Well, what are we gonna do then? I am already running the Kang Daniel fan club here. Maybe she can be the Busan fan club president, kind of like a branch club.”

 

Daniel laughs along and knocks his knees into Sungwoon’s under the table.

 

Sungwoon gives him a small smile – the one Daniel loves seeing on his face because it makes him look soft and pretty, and orders them more wine.

 

* * *

 

“Happy birthday, hyung.” Daniel says the greetings exactly two hours after he arrive at Sungwoon’s grandpa’s place for Sungwoon’s birthday party.

 

Sungwoon said it is a gathering for close friends, but apparently for Ha Sungwoon, that means at least 100 people, so Daniel got lost in the crowd immediately after he arrived without even getting a good glimpse at Sungwoon until now when Sungwoon spots him out of the crowd and pulls him into the quieter corner.

 

“Thank you.” Sungwoon smiled up at him, looking like he already have a good amount of alcohol in him. “Thank you for coming as well.”

 

“Hyung, please,” Daniel laughs. “Where else do you think I can get the chance to do soju shots with a BTS member?”

 

Sungwoon giggles and wobbles a little so Daniel holds him by his arms to keep him steady. “Can I open this?”

 

Daniel nods and Sungwoon carefully unwraps the small box Daniel has handed him earlier.

 

“It’s cute.” Sungwoon grinned down at the small silver necklace that Daniel has packed into the little black box.

 

“It’s not very expensive.” Daniel tells him firsthand. “But I made it by hand. I took a metal wielding class.”

 

Sungwoon blinks up at him and gives him a comically touched face and Daniel does not even think he is making that face to tease Daniel. He probably is really touched in his little drunkard mind.

 

“It’s a star.” Daniel takes the necklace hanging in Sungwoon’s hand and says. “Since you are always saying about how I am gonna be a star, I figure it’s only fitting.”

 

Sungwoon’s lips form a pouty O. “You are so smart!”

 

Daniel stifles a laugh. “C’mon. I’ll put it on for you.”

 

Sungwoon stumbles head first into Daniel’s chest and Daniel keeps him steady with a laugh before looping the necklace around Sungwoon’s slender neck. It fits a little looser than he wants it to but the silver pendant in the shape of a star still looks as good as he imagined it against Sungwoon’s fair skin.

 

“There you go. Looks pretty on you.” Daniel says and Sungwoon wobbles on his feet before nodding in complete satisfaction.

 

“It’s my birthday, Daniel.” Sungwoon says and Daniel chuckles.

 

“I know. It’s great, isn’t it?”

 

“Thank you,” Sungwoon says in complete seriousness and tiptoes to land a kiss on Daniel’s cheek. “… for being here.”

 

“You are …” Daniel stutters a little, caught off guard. He hasn’t done anything … intimate with Sungwoon ever since he got back and he is not sure if a kiss on the cheek when Sungwoon is feeling happy on his birthday counts as one either, but it still makes him stumble a little. “… you are welcome, hyung.”

 

Sungwoon obviously does not notice Daniel’s five-second inner turmoil, grinning face already turning towards Lee Daehwi, and Park Woojin, who had announced their arrival with a bellowed out “SUNGWOON HYUNG!” from the doorway.

 

Daniel lets him go bouncing over to his friends happily with a fond smile on his face.

 

Maybe he can get an EXO member this time to do soju shots with him.


	5. July 2019

His mom finds Sungwoon a place he likes by June and Sungwoon signs the paperwork when July starts even though he was busy with his group comeback promotion. Daniel doesn’t see him until mid-July when Sungwoon invites him out to see his new place.

 

It is a condo on one of the quieter streets in Jamsil, a little far from where the happenings are, but that just makes it much more peaceful. It is an older condo so the facilities are not as fancy as the newer condos, but the security details is up to standard with what Sungwoon’s management needs and according to his mom, Sungwoon is in love with that place.

  
Daniel can kind of see why. It is a small two-bedroom apartment that is built in this classic and simple but a little quirky style and Daniel can imagine Sungwoon fitting in this space just nicely.

 

Daniel laughs though when Sungwoon opens the door to show his prized find.

 

“What is it with you and balconies?” He chuckles even as he follows out Sungwoon into the big balcony that is facing the back road where there is a dense of trees. Daniel is pretty sure there is a park after that tree line.

 

“I like balconies.” Sungwoon says in defense but he is also smiling. “And this one is huge. I fell in love as soon as I saw this.”

 

“Shouldn’t you have gotten one of the pool facing units then?” Daniel asks. “You are just looking at trees now.”

 

“I did view one of those units,” Sungwoon turns to him and answers. “But I don’t know, it feels a little more out in the open. I don’t really fancy going out on my balcony and seeing half naked strangers swimming.”

 

“Fair enough.” Daniel laughs. “Now, you’ll just come out and see trees and maybe some _things_ that linger in the night among thick trees.”

 

“Yaaaa…” Sungwoon whines. “Don’t put that kind of scary thoughts into my head, asshole.”

 

“Don’t worry, hyung.” Daniel laughs and wraps his arms around Sungwoon. Sungwoon comes easily into his arms. “I’ll protect you.”

 

“Daniel, you shrieked in notes that I don’t think was humanly possible just two minutes ago because you saw a bug.” Sungwoon reminds him sternly.

 

“Bugs are scary. I am good with anything else.” Daniel mumbles and laces his fingers in front of Sungwoon’s body. “Real talk though. You should probably like get an exterminator to look at it.”

 

Sungwoon scoffs. “It’s just a summer bug that got into through the windows.”

 

“You never know.” Daniel shrugs and lets Sungwoon go. “it’s quiet peaceful out here though. At least you won’t have any sasaeng stalking you with all these trees outside.”

 

“That’s the idea but who knows?” Sungwoon scoffs. “Maybe the trees will make better camouflage. Let’s go in first? More bugs will come into the house if we leave the door open for too long. I’ll look into some insect nettings when I move.”

 

Daniel exaggeratedly shivers and Sungwoon laughs, pushing Daniel gently at the waist into the empty living room.

 

“When are you thinking of moving?”

 

“I don’t know.” Sungwoon shrugs and sits down on the floor because that’s the only surface available to sit. Daniel sits down next to him. “I have a few varieties schedules so maybe after that. I want to get an interior designer first to take a look though. Maybe get the furniture in first.”

 

“Let me know if you need any help, ok?” Daniel offers. “I am good at moving things.”

 

“Well,” Sungwoon smirks, a mischievous glint forming in his eyes. “I couldn’t possibly ask that to Pann’s favorite boy of the month.”

 

“Ah…hyung.” Daniel whines. Sungwoon is not going to let that go any time soon, he guesses.

 

Daniel went kind of viral, well maybe _viral_ is too strong a word, but a few posts about him were featured for a couple of weeks which is weird given that all he was doing is playing with a dog like he usually does. But apparently people were somehow upvoting and commenting on a post titled “Did you guys see Crush’s mv model barking at the puppies in the mv behind? It’s so cute.” At least, the poster, who Daniel probably owes some of his life to at this point, was gracious enough to link to Daniel’s YouTube and instagram in the post so he does appreciate the sudden increase in the followers and views on his social media.

 

“It’s cute.” Sungwoon grins and reaches his hand to scratch Daniel under his chin. “They are calling you Kang Puppy, aren’t they? You big puppy.”

 

Daniel groans and pretends to bite at Sungwoon’s petting hand so Sungwoon laughs and takes it back.

 

“But that’s good, right?” Sungwoon asks. “Just in time when you are casted on that dance show.”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel nods. Ms. Kim somehow did some magic and gets Daniel casted on a dance competition show with some of the mid to top tier boy group members, and Daniel is not planning at all to win that thing because it is all public voting (read fan voting), but the exposure he can possibly get from it is insane and if he plays his card right, he might even rank high and get on some people’s radar.

 

“Aren’t you guys looking for any more trainee?” Sungwoon asks.

 

“I don’t know. I mean, Ms. Kim says she wants to try getting me out there solo and I appreciate her enthusiasm, but even people with established fan bases have difficulty going solo.”

 

“I think she is quite savvy in this business.” Sungwoon says, and right, Sungwoon knows her too, of course. “If she thinks you can make it, you probably can. I don’t need to tell you to work hard because I know you will, but good luck.”

 

“Thank you.” Daniel replies. “I…”

 

He gets cut off by the ringing of his phone and Daniel looks down to see Jihye’s name flashing on the screen.

 

“One minute,” Daniel smiles at Sungwoon and leaves to the balcony to talk to her. She just wants to confirm what time Daniel is picking her up tomorrow and it’s a good thing she called because Daniel has an outfit fitting for Battle Dancers that he had totally forgotten. They finally settled on 1 pm because that’s when Jihye will be off from her first shooting of the day, and Daniel’s outfit fitting is not until 4.

 

“Isn’t that the makeup girl from the Apujeong salon?” Sungwoon asks when Daniel comes back in. “I saw the picture on the screen before you took the call.”

 

“Yeah. Yoon Jihye.” Daniel nods. “We’ve been … err… on a couple of dates. We are going out tomorrow as well.”

 

“Oh,” Sungwoon mutters. “She seems nice.”

 

“She is.” Daniel nods. “She’s a little older than me, but I am starting to think that’s just my type.”

 

“Does Ms. Kim or your manager know?”

 

Daniel purses his lips. “I don’t think they need to know everything that is there to know about me.”

 

“You know what I am getting at Daniel.” Sungwoon says simply and Daniel deflates a little. He does know what Sungwoon is getting at. He just doesn’t want to think about it yet.

 

“We are not that serious yet.” He finally mumbles. “I’ll figure something out if we get there.”

 

“Hey,” one of Sungwoon’s hands lands on Daniel’s knees. “I don’t mean to interfere or anything like that. You know that, right?”

 

“I know.” Daniel gives him a small smile. “We are careful about it. Don’t worry.”

 

“Ok.” Sungwoon nods and rescinds his hand. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a girlfriend. Apart from, you know, when we first met.”

 

“Right.” Daniel nods awkwardly. One thing they don’t do in this friendship is that they don’t talk about their sexual past. He is not sure when or how the unspoken agreement started, but it is almost a mutual understanding. “I like having someone around. Being in a relationship.”

 

“Don’t tell me you are one of those people who’s always looking for a relationship?” Sungwoon knocks his shoulder with Daniel and says teasingly.

 

“I am not. I mean …” Daniel says. “…at least, I think I am not? I just want to be in love.”

 

“You are in love?” Sungwoon looks a little alarmed.

 

“No, not right now.” Daniel laughs. “I mean … I want to be in love one day, you know. I want to get married before I turn 30, to a woman I love and have three kids and two cats …”

 

“…that’s very specific …”

 

“I’ve done the math..” Daniel winks. “It’s either two kids and three cats or three kids and two cats. I figure I should give my future wife some choices as well.”

 

Sungwoon smiles at him softly.

 

“So, yeah, I like being in a relationship, trying to find that person, the one, as they say.”

 

“If they are the one, you won’t need to spend too much time to find it.” Sungwoon replies. “I mean, if it is meant to be, it’ll happen, right?”

 

“That’s leaving too much to chances and I am not the best with luck.” Daniel wrinkles his nose. “I like putting in efforts from my end.”

  
“Well, I am sure that’s exhausting.” Sungwoon says lightly. “Going on dates with all those pretty babes.”

 

“Absolutely tiring.” Daniel laughs and nods along. “What about you though? Do you have any marriage plan?”

 

Sungwoon lets out a laugh, sounding a little shocked. “Daniel! You know that I am gay.”

 

“I …” Well, of course, Daniel does know that … or at least knows that Sungwoon likes guys, but that is kind of irrelevant if you ask Daniel. Daniel likes guys too in that way, (well, none except for Sungwoon, but a guy is still a guy) but his plans are still unchanged. “…but you will get married one day, right?”

 

“If Korea suddenly changes its marital laws before I die, maybe.” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow.

 

“No, I mean, to a woman.”

 

Sungwoon blinks. “What part of _I am gay_ leads you to think that I am going to marry a woman, Daniel?”

 

“I mean,” Daniel scratches at his head awkwardly. “Your grandpa is always talking about you getting married and having kids.”

 

“My grandpa is an 80 years old family patriarch, Daniel.” Sungwoon replies. “I am not going to come out to him and let him die from shock.”

 

“But you will have to keep lying to him.” Daniel tells him and Sungwoon narrows his eyes.

 

“So, your solution is for me to get married to a woman and keep lying to myself and her for my entire life?”

 

“No, that’s not what I am … I don’t know what I am saying.” Daniel sighs. “I mean, I don’t know. You are a celebrity, a famous one even, people are going to be watching you, you know.”

 

“There are a lot of older single celebrities.” Sungwoon says. “And I am a guy. We tend to get off easier on these kind of things than women.”

 

“I know, but…” Daniel sighs. “I am sorry. Are you mad at me?”

 

“I am not mad.” Sungwoon says. “I don’t know. Kind of. Maybe. I don’t have a long term love life plan like you, Daniel. I don’t want to be in love … I mean, that’s not technically true. I am not actively looking for someone to spend my life with like you are doing because I am limited in a way. I’ve already made my peace with that, but I am not gonna go and date or marry a woman because of that.”

 

“I am sorry…” Daniel rushes in. “I am not suggesting you should do that or anything like that. I was just being an idiot. I am sorry. Please don’t be mad.”

 

Sungwoon lets out a sigh. “Fine. I am not mad.”

 

“Really though.” Daniel says again just in case. “You know I sometimes just let my stupid mouth just run off or think things through properly. I am sorry.”

 

“Only sometimes?”

 

“Ok, so maybe a little more than that.” Daniel smiles. “Don’t be mad?”

 

“Stop saying that.” Sungwoon rolls his eyes.

 

“Not until you stop being mad at me.”

 

“I am not mad! Oh my god.” Sungwoon says exasperatedly.

 

“Give me a smile then.” Daniel grins and puts his wriggling fingers on Sungwoon’s waist. Sungwoon shrieks and almost kicks Daniel in the stomach trying to get away from Daniel’s tickling fingers. “C’mon. One smile.”

 

“Bad dog!” Sungwoon giggles, rolling on the dusty floor until he is out of Daniel’s reach. “Stay.”

 

Daniel holds up his fingers to threaten but Sungwoon is already laughing, trying to dust off his pants so Daniel gets up from the floor as well, taking Sungwoon's hand that he is offering.


	6. September 2019

Sungwoon debuts solo when Daniel was in the final stage for Battle Dancers. He feels terrible about not being physically there when Sungwoon debuted but Sungwoon assures him that it is ok and he is happy enough that Daniel calls him despite his busy schedule.

 

And Daniel is. Busy, that is.

 

For some reason, he somehow made it to the final stage with one other dancer and two debuted idol group members. And the most weird thing is week by week, his votes are increasing in a sharp trend. Seriously. Ms. Kim sends him some excel spreadsheet that she keeps on his voting trend and Daniel was pretty sure there has to be some computational error somewhere.

 

“People just like you.” Jisung says during one of their phone calls. He is actually on break for two days but Daniel is filming back to back, so he cannot meet up with Jisung. “I mean, I do work with some ladies here, and they were all over me before but now they just want to know more about my label mate.”

 

It feels a little surreal but Daniel still laughs at Jisung’s grumpy tone. “Aww… is our poor Jirungie feeling left out? Don’t worry. I keep all your fan letters securely so you can eat up the love and adoration.”

 

“You better.” Jisung says lightly. “How long do you have for the call? You should have come out to eat with us.”

 

“I am eating now.” Daniel says and chews down on his kimbap. “I need to go back in like 5 minutes, so enjoy your food and eat more for me. Tell Sungwoon hyung I said hi though.”

 

“He’s a best friend stealer.” Jisung grunts. “I’ve been away for barely 6 months and now you two are the best of friends.”

 

Daniel giggles. “He told you that?”

 

“I followed both of your private instagrams.” Jisung grunts. “It’s annoying.”

 

“Jealousy is unhealthy, hyung.”

 

“Please,” Jisung huffs. “I just feel sorry for him that he’s the one having to babysit you now.”

 

“I love you the best.” Daniel sings into the phone and gives a very loud _mwah._ Even a camera crewman turns her head to look at him, and Daniel hopes she didn’t think he is talking to a hidden girlfriend or anything. He and Jihye are definitely not at the stage of exchanging I-Love-You-s.

 

Speaking of, he should probably call her with the next available 3 minutes.

 

“Sungwoon says he wants to talk to you, by the way” Jisung says into the phone.

 

Never mind. He’s meeting up Jihye next week anyway.

 

* * *

 

Daniel wins.

 

It is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

 

The final stage is live so Daniel expected people there obviously, but there are people cheering for him, people with slogans of his face, and of this one stage where he flashes his abs (his face immediately warms up seeing his abs printed on vinyl but he can’t lie that he doesn’t feel a little smug), people yelling out his name when the winner’s name is announced. It is fucking wild.

 

The first place is granted a trophy and cash prize, but Daniel thinks he can just live off on the cheers from the crowd. He even finds it a bit difficult to leave the stage, but his mom is waiting backstage with Sungwoon – he spots them in the crowd earlier – and Daniel runs straight towards the visitor area at the backstage, picking his mom up as soon as he spots them.

 

“Congratulations, baby.” Mom is saying, patting at his back rapidly as he puts her down. “I knew it. I told you right? I knew you would win it.”

 

“You couldn’t have, mom.” Daniel laughs. “Nobody could have.”

 

“I do!” Mom insists. “I was monitoring the fancam views on Naver. Hang on … where’s my book?”

 

“Mom!” Daniel laughs as mom pulls down her glasses and goes through her bag of infinity to look for her tiny little notebook. “Please don’t tell me you’ve noted down the views for my fancams.”

 

“How else am I gonna keep track of them!?” Mom says and opens her book with a flourish. Daniel can see Sungwoon laughing discreetly next to them. “Here … Look. Your fancams gained more than double the view after last week re-run compared to everyone else, so I was very sure. I even told Sungwoon that before it started, didn’t I?”

 

“You did, m’dm.” Sungwoon smiles innocently. “I believed in you.”

 

“Suck-up.” Daniel mutters and pulls Sungwoon into a hug as well, who lets out a surprised squeak but still comes pliant into Daniel’s arm.

 

“She seems like a dangerous woman to cross.” Sungwoon laughs into his ear. “But, good job up there, really. I am proud of you.”

 

“Thank you.” Daniel squeezes him a little before letting him go. “Hey, you are wearing my necklace.”

 

“I thought it was mine.” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t that how gifts work?”

 

Daniel laughs and touches the little star pendant hanging from Sungwoon’s neck. “Yeah, of course. You are right.”

 

They must have been standing for the entirety of the stage, so Daniel turns to his mom to go and wait in the waiting room when Sungwoon grabs at his mom first.

 

“I’m sure Daniel has to do some backstage interviews and other things. Why don’t we go and sit in the waiting room? My legs are killing me.”

 

“Alright, sure.” Mom nods and gives Daniel another hug before going with Sungwoon. “You really should take care of your body, you know? How are you going to dance for an entire concert if you can’t even stand for this much?”

 

Daniel is left wondering why Sungwoon suddenly takes mom away when a voice speaks from behind.

 

“Daniel?”

 

Daniel spins around. “Jihye noona! You didn’t tell me you are coming.”

 

“I wasn’t sure I can get the ticket.” Jihye smiles and hands him the bouquet in her hand.

 

“Right.” Daniel nods. “I am sorry I wasn’t able to get you ticket.”

 

Each contestant was only allowed two guest tickets per person and Daniel gave them to his mom and Sungwoon. Sungwoon did insist that he can wing an Artist ticket from the producers but Daniel does not think using his other ticket for Jihye when mom is present is a wise idea.

 

“That’s fine.” Jihye smiles patiently. That is Daniel’s favorite thing about her. She is always patient and gentle with him, and he likes that. He likes being cared for. “Does your mom reach ok?”

 

“Yeah, yes.” Daniel nods. “She’s waiting in the waiting room now.”

 

“That’s nice to hear. Well, I won’t hold you for long. I need to catch the train back home as well.”

 

Daniel glances at his watch, which is showing half past twelve and grimaces a little. He should be walking his girlfriend home, but to be completely honest, he has been a lacking boyfriend for these past few weeks.

 

“Can you meet tomorrow? We hadn’t gone out in a long time.”

 

“I… promised my mom tomorrow.” Daniel replies awkwardly. “I am really sorry, noona. What about the day after? I have the whole day free so we can go for lunch at that Chinese place you like.”

 

“Ok,” Jihye nods. She doesn’t look totally happy, but she doesn’t say anything contradictory either. “Day after then.”

 

Daniel wonders for a split second if he should hug her goodbye but it feels a little risky and awkward so he just lets her go with a goodbye and walks her to the end of the hall before heading back to where his mom and Sungwoon are waiting for him.

 

* * *

 

Despite what he said to Jihye the previous night, Daniel doesn’t get to spend his entire day with mom because Ms. Kim calls him halfway through lunch to come and meet her in the evening at their office downtown.

 

“What do you mean we are debuting?” A dumbfounded Daniel asks that night, seated on the lone sofa in their small office. The only decoration in the tiny room is the trophy he took home with him last night, proudly displayed on an otherwise bare cabinet.

 

“It means you are debuting, Daniel.” Ms. Kim replies simply. “You are trending right now so I think three weeks for preparation is already pushing it. People are fickle. I should have planned all this before you even go on to that show.”

 

Ms. Kim trails off into her usual tangents of thought streams that never seem to end but Daniel tunes her out halfway because _what the fuck_... he is debuting. Debuting solo in fact. Like with an actual song that people can listen on music sites ... there are people who actually want to and will listen to his songs on music sites ... what the fuck.

 

“Daniel? Daniel!”

 

Daniel almost jumps out of his seat when Ms. Kim slaps the table in front of him to get his attention.

 

“Sorry….” He mumbles. “Sorry. It’s just … too sudden.”

 

“Oh…do you want me to wait until you are comfortable or …?” Ms. Kim raised a perfectly drawn eyebrow.

 

“No, no.... sorry. I’m good now.” Daniel shakes his head. “Carry on.”

 

“We have a few shows scheduled for you during the next two weeks. They are just cable shows but filming is quite intensive. And I’ll have this say this in advance. You are gonna have to work a little hard during next few weeks if we want you to debut before October ends. It’s a little late for any rookie nomination, but if we do decently, we can get into some year end shows. If we cannot make it, we can reschedule to January so you are eligible for 2020 rookies awards, but if I am being honest, I don’t want to take the chance of you falling off of trend.”

 

Rookie nomination. Him?

 

Fucking ridiculous. That’s what it is.

 

“You know I can work as hard as you need me to.” Daniel answers because he can, and Ms. Kim knows that.

 

“I know, but I don’t really fancy working my only idol to bones before he can even debut.”

 

Daniel smiles.

 

“And about this girl you are dating…”

 

Daniel blinks. “You knew?”

 

“Please, Daniel.” Ms. Kim gives him an impatient look. “How dumb do you think I am?”

 

“I… I am sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to. I am not gonna make you do anything when it comes to your personal relationships either.” Ms. Kim says, lips pursed. “But, you should be careful. You are not the only person whose future is riding on your career. Like I said, you are the only idol I have until Jisung came back from the military.”

 

“Right.” Daniel looks down at his folded hands, and nods. “Of course, I understand.”

 

“That’s good then.” Ms. Kim nods, apparently satisfied. “Let’s go through this week schedule first tonight. I am still waiting to hear back from one show but other than that, we are more or less settled.”

 

“Sounds good,” Daniel leans forward to get a better view at the tablet where his schedule is written down.

 

He is debuting.

 

What the hell.

 

He is debuting.

 

* * *

 

He gets his passport out later that night because Ms. Kim needs it for some registration. His passport pages are pretty much empty since he hasn’t travelled much (or at all). The last stamp on it was his arrival date in Korea when he moved back from Canada.

 

 _28 October 2018_ \- the stamp reads.

 

He is going to be debuting on 21 October 2019.

 

One year. He made a decision almost exactly one year back that had led to this.

 

Daniel does not let himself break down a lot but he thinks he has earned this one.

 

* * *

 

Daniel bought pizza and some chicken feet (which he admits is a weird combination but it works for them) to Sungwoon’s studio in Mapo. He has his own stacked schedules but lunch is a little flexible because his producers are running a bit late and Sungwoon is recording in a studio not very far from his own so Daniel figures they can have lunch together.

 

“I’m not sure when I’ll be free again.” Daniel says and watches Sungwoon folds an entire pizza slice into his tiny mouth.

 

“Ok.... God Daniel.” Sungwoon snarks even with a mouthful of pizza and Daniel reaches to tweak his ear. Sungwoon slaps at his hand in fake annoyance.

 

“I knew how busy you were when you were doing your solo stuff.” Daniel adds in.

 

“You will do just fine.” Sungwoon says and Daniel laughs. Sungwoon’s unwavering trust in him is a constant at this point and Daniel appreciates it more than he’d like to admit. “Did you get a song yet?”

 

“I listened to a couple of choices.” They are good songs but Daniel hadn’t found any that sticks out to him like _this is the one_. But they are on a time crunch and they can’t wait until a perfect song falls into their laps. The one he and Ms. Kim have chosen is good enough - easy to listen and trendy, and most importantly, has a beat that Daniel can incorporate flashy dance steps into.

 

“Are you gonna let me listen?” Sungwoon asks with a smile and Daniel laughs.

 

“When I get around to recording, yes. Hey, maybe I should get you to produce for me and save on the production cost.”

 

Sungwoon laughs boisterously. “What makes you think I’m gonna produce your song for free?”

 

Daniel pouts. “Because you like me and believe in me?”

 

“I can do all that while still having bills to pay.” Sungwoon rolls his eyes.

 

“You literally just bought a 4 million condo.” Daniel laughs.

 

“Hence, the bills.” Sungwoon says pointedly. “You should come over soon though. You haven’t been over even once after I moved in, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel nods. “I’m sorry. I know I promised I’ll help you move.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Sungwoon waves a hand. “You’ll probably break like half of my stuff anyway.”

 

“Rude,” Daniel pouts.

 

“Sungwoon oppa!” A bright voice comes into the break room attached to the studio where they are eating lunch. “Do you want to go for ... oh, you are already eating?”

 

“Hi, Byul.” Sungwoon smiles up at the teenage singer that he is doing an OST with and Daniel turns to give her a greeting as well. “Yeah, Daniel brought lunch. You know Daniel right?”

 

“Oh... you are that Dancer from the Mnet show, right?” The girl in front of him smiles. “I can’t escape from your face on Pann these days.”

 

“Yes, Hi. I am Daniel.” Daniel feels a little flushed but still gets up to introduce himself and exchanges pleasantries with her. She might be a good 7 years younger than him but she and her singer songwriter brother are being hailed as a force to reckon with in the industry and Daniel can use as many possible connections as he can right now.

 

“You better eat dinner with me.” Byul threatens Sungwoon with a pout before leaving them to go get her lunch and Sungwoon nods her a promise with a smile.

 

“Looks like someone has a crush.” Daniel smiles and says as the door closes and they are just left on their own.

 

“She’s 18, Daniel. C’mon.” Sungwoon wrinkles his nose.

 

“That’s the best time to fall for an older and cooler guy.”

 

“So, you think I’m cool?” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow.

 

“I’m talking from her perspective.” Daniel laughs. “She’s a teenager, you know. Quite impressionable.”

 

Sungwoon gives him a tiny _hmmph_ , and Daniel steals his leftover pizza.


	7. October 2019

It is much harder than Daniel has expected, not that he thought debuting solo was going to be a walk in the park, but the repeated practice sessions and trainings and diets take a toll on him faster than he’d like to admit. Sungwoon did say that he will get used to them eventually and Daniel does have experience busting his ass for things that are not even as monumental as a solo debut so he doesn’t complain and takes it all in stride.

 

The only thing he has to himself these days is his morning run. He does go to the gym to do his muscle building but he doesn’t want to waste the expensive gym hours on cardio so he usually gets up an hour earlier than he needs to and goes for a run around the park trail next to his dorm. Even that is getting compromised these days because he has to get up and go to salons at 4 in the morning in preparation for the rest of the day and he is not going to get up at 3 am when he crawled into bed at 1 in the morning.

 

Sungwoon left for his Asia fan meeting tour just before Daniel debuted, and Daniel doesn’t like to admit that he is sulking but he is feeling a little down. A solo debut is lonelier than he imagined even with a schedule that doesn’t let him breathe. Ms. Kim also changes their hair and make up contract to the one at Mapo with the excuse of closer locations, but Daniel knows it is so that Jihye cannot be present at Daniel’s shootings.

 

It is not his favorite thing, but he can understand the logic behind it.

 

Plus, it is not like he is meeting Jihye a lot these days because both of them are busy with the idol comeback seasons. Daniel likes to think things are going ok though. She is mature in a way a lot of Daniel’s exes are not, and she understands when Daniel cannot be there for her physically or sometimes even too worn out to call or text her.

 

He takes her out for a nice dinner two nights before his solo song is scheduled to drop, and they end up that night at his dorm – “dorm” is kind of a stretch since it is a one-bedroom studio with a few bunk beds in anticipation for the trainees that never come, but they make do, and Daniel has been practically chastise for almost a year, which is an unheard record for him.

 

He can tell that Jihye is not like him – the kind of person who has sex just for the sake of sex, so he feels a little … _honored_ might not be the right word, but something along that line of thought. He makes sure she has it as good as he is getting, and she has no complaint (he never has) so the night ended in a way better than Daniel was imagining when it first started.

 

He reaches for a cigarette afterwards, but Jihye frowns at it from under the covers so he puts it back down. He is not back to regularly smoking yet but lately, he finds himself reaching for one when the stress kicks in. It’s a potentially controversial habit anyway, so he should probably try to drop it again.

 

Jihye burrows into his chest when he gets back into the tiny single bed.

 

“I don’t think I know how to be an idol girlfriend.” She says and Daniel laughs in surprise.

 

“I don’t think I know how to be an idol either.” Daniel admits. “Guess we’ll both have to see how it goes, huh?”

 

“I mean it, Daniel.” She says, voice serious. “I know it is not going to be a normal relationship, but I need you to promise me to try your best for us. I don’t want to be an afterthought.”

 

“Noona…” Daniel starts, not sure how best it is to assure his girlfriend because honestly, he is not sure either.

 

“Just … make time for me sometimes. I am not saying daily or even weekly, but just make time for us. I want to be one of your important people.”

 

“You are,” Daniel pulls her in and kisses her on the crown of her head. “You already are.”

 

And he is not lying. Daniel does not think that he is in love if he is being honest with himself, but he likes Jihye enough, and maybe, with times, who knows what kind of feelings that he can develop?

 

He can make this work.


	8. November 2019

Daniel wins first on two music shows – granted they are not high profile shows like Inkigayo or something and the competition is pretty sparse with most group comebacks not promoting on the shows he won, but a win is still a win. Plus, no matter how insignificant or small the win might be, it will not stop his mom from printing the screenshot of him accepting the trophy and displaying it proudly in their Busan home.

 

Plus, now their office has three trophies to display so that’s kind of nice.

 

He even gets second place on Music Core, which almost feels like a win considering no. 1 was an established idol group.

 

Sungwoon, who is the current regular Music Core MC, finds him backstage after everything has died down.

 

“I got second place, hyung!” Daniel shouts at him in glee. “Can you believe?”

 

Sungwoon raises an eyebrow. “Well, I was gonna wish you better luck next time, but seems like you are content with your second place.”

 

“Of course I am not content.” Daniel laughs and packs his things. “But it’s a damn good place for a solo singer from a tiny agency to be, don’t you think?”

 

“It is,” Sungwoon says, head leaning onto the doorway. “Tomorrow is your last music show, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel nods, a little sad. He had gotten used to the cheers and talking to the small crowd of fans who come to the shows throughout the promotion even if music shows are tedious as fuck and involves more waiting than a sane human can possibly handle. “Time move pretty quickly.”

 

“Tell me about it.” Sungwoon nods. “Jisung hyung has another break coming up, right? You should meet him this time.”

 

“I am meeting him.” Daniel nods. “Can’t pass up the chance to show off my trophies, can I?”

 

Sungwoon scoffs.

 

“Do you want to go for dinner, hyung?” Daniel asks. “Feel like I haven’t seen you in so long.”

 

And he hasn’t, not that Daniel is counting days or anything. (And if he is, it’d be exactly 20 days since he has met with Sungwoon just the day before his solo got released)

 

“Well, I miss you too…” Sungwoon gives him a ridiculous wink. “… but I already have plans for today. How about tomorrow after Inki? I think my schedules free up after 7.”

 

“Alright,” Daniel nods and crosses the room so he is standing right in front of Sungwoon who is still lingering around the doorway. “I’ll treat you. Make sure you got some squish back in your cheeks.”

 

Sungwoon puckers his lips like a fish when Daniel squeezes his cheeks together, and Daniel laughs before letting his face go.

 

“Tomorrow then.” Sungwoon smiles up at him. “It’s a date.”

 

* * *

 

Their Sunday dinner never happens.

 

Daniels wakes up on Sunday to Sungwoon on Naver main page with Dispatch logo stamped onto his photographs.

 

Ms. Kim shows him even more pictures when he is getting ready in hair and make up for Inkigayo.

 

“You really didn’t know?” Ms. Kim asks, lifting up her glasses to take a closer look at her phone. “I thought you two are close.”

 

“I doubt it’s true.” Daniel answers, distracted. His calls to Sungwoon the whole morning has gone unanswered. “He told me before that he doesn’t like her like that.”

 

“Well, feelings can change.” Ms. Kim shrugs and stands up. “It’s a little icky that she just turns 19 and he is already 26 though.”

 

There is no romantic feeling of any kind, Daniel can guarantee that, between Sungwoon and Byul because first and foremost, Sungwoon is not into women, old or young, but of course, he can’t tell Ms. Kim that so Daniel just gives her a polite nod and goes through the motion to prepare for the stage.

 

He would have preferred to be focused and prepared for his very last stage, but he is too worried to be anything but distracted and hoping he finds a reply text or a missed call from Sungwoon when he gets off stage. He just prays that it doesn’t show too obviously in his performance.

 

His phone is depressingly void of any notification from Sungwoon when he gets backstage, so Daniel rushes through the congratulations on completing his debut promotion cycle from the staff and picks up some food and beer before heading to Jamsil.

 

He did tell Sungwoon that one day, he will regret giving Daniel the passcode to his condo.

 

Sungwoon’s place is kind of a mess so Daniel cleans it up a little to pass some times, but Sungwoon is not back even when the clock is ticking after 8 and Daniel had consumed half of the food he brought over. Daniel eventually fell asleep on the living room couch until his phone wakes him up around 10 in the night.

 

“Please tell me it’s you and not some stranger danger who broke into my house and turned the lights on.” Sungwoon’s tired voice filters through the phone and Daniel lets out a relieved sigh.

 

“Yeah, I am here. You were MIA the whole day, hyung!”

 

“I turned my phone off.” Sungwoon grumbles. “Open the door.”

 

Sungwoon looks like he had seen better days … a hell of a lot better days. His face is gaunt and Daniel can spot the unruly hair even when it is shoved under his beanie.

 

“Have you eaten?” Daniel asks, trailing after Sungwoon into the living room. He tries his best not to feel like a lost puppy following after its owner who got home late. “I got some Kimchi stew. I can heat it up for you.”

 

“I don’t feel like eating.” Sungwoon throws his coat onto the couch and says tiredly.

 

“Just a little.” Daniel stands in front of him because Sungwoon looks like he is going to follow his coat and dive onto the couch. “Please? You look like you haven’t eaten the whole day.”

 

Sungwoon sighs, but nods so Daniel takes him by the hand and sits him down at the dining table before putting the stew in the microwave to heat it up.

 

“This is gonna be a useless question to ask,” Daniel says when the stew is ready. “…but are you ok?”

 

“Yeah.” Sungwoon scoffs. “More or less. Just … shitty management meetings. One is bad enough. Five in a day is just killing it.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Daniel says and puts the rice bowl and chopsticks in front of Sungwoon as well, who takes them with a thanks. “I saw the statements.”

 

Sungwoon’s team releases a statement earlier that he is not dating Byul and they are just friends and Byul’s agency did the same, but from what Daniel had grasped, the public is not really buying it.

 

“Yeah, what else can we do?” Sungwoon says with a mouthful of soup.

 

“I think … I mean, I am just saying … maybe you can put out an explanation on why she is coming out at 2 in the morning from your apartment?”

 

Sungwoon stares at him. “It’s already in the statement. She came with a friend to discuss about my featuring on her new album. Dispatch just never catches her friend leaving as well.”

 

“I mean, c’mon, hyung,” Daniel gives a small laugh. “It sounds ridiculous even to me and I know you are not seeing her.”

 

“It’s the truth, Daniel.” Sungwoon glares at him. “I don’t know how else I can say the truth.”

 

“Well, maybe her friend can explain that too?”

 

Sungwoon goes silent, picking at his rice aimlessly so Daniel nudges him with his foot. “Hyung?”

 

“He doesn’t want to.” Sungwoon finally says. “It’s not her friend. It’s her brother.”

 

“Isn’t that better?” Daniel asks, a little surprised. “It’d carry more weight if he’s the one doing the explanation, right? That he was with her when she was visiting you.”

 

“Like I said,” Sungwoon replies, tense. “He doesn’t want to. He left my place only in the morning. He doesn’t want to be … implicated.”

 

“He … oh…” Daniel mumbles. _Oh._ “I see. How … erm … how long has it been going on?”

 

“How does that mutter?” Sungwoon mutters and maybe Daniel is imagining it but he doesn’t seem to be looking at Daniel directly.

 

“I guess it doesn’t matter, but you know …” Daniel plays with the small corkboard coaster in front of him. “… you didn’t tell me it was going on.”

 

Sungwoon gives him a stare. “Was I supposed to?”

 

It stings a little.

 

“Well, no, but you know about me and Jihye.” Daniel mumbles. He is not sure why he is pushing this when there are bigger problems out there like the fact that Sungwoon is being accused of dating the sister of the guy he has been seeing / dating.

 

“That’s only because I saw her calling you and asked you about her, Daniel.” Sungwoon replies. He sounds like he is entirely done with everything, and Daniel does not think he can blame him. “You weren’t exactly coming clean to me either.”

 

Daniel knows, logically, that what Sungwoon is saying makes sense and there is no point in Daniel picking on whatever Sungwoon’s relationship is with that guy but he doesn’t know why he can’t let go of this.

 

“I mean, you told me that I should be careful. Hell, you said it yourself you are not looking for a relationship, and now this happens?”

 

“I am sorry?” Sungwoon blinks. “Are you here, all up in my fucking place, to tell me that all this shit is somehow my fault?”

 

“I am not …”

 

“Because I’ve been hearing that all days from my management, Daniel. I don’t need to hear it from you of all people as well.” Sungwoon stands up, almost pushing his chair into the back wall. “I am just gonna head to bed so you should probably leave.”

 

“Hyung, I am not blaming you.” Daniel gets up as well, and he doesn’t know why he is suddenly so angry. “I am just asking why risk it all for a guy like that in the first place.”

 

“It was a sexual relationship, Daniel.” Sungwoon rubs his hands over his face. “I wasn’t really interested in what he’s like as a person. You of all people should know that.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Daniel tightens his fist. “Are you … are you comparing me to him? I’d never do anything like this to you.”

 

“He didn’t do anything to me!” Sungwoon almost yells. “Jesus fuck. Yeah, shit happened and it sucks but I don’t blame him for not wanting to be in the deep shit with me either. We don’t have a relationship that warrants that. And why the fuck am I talking all this to you? Why are you even here?”

 

Daniel flinches a little. “I am here because I am worried about you! And I wanted to be here for you.”

 

“Really?” Sungwoon scoffs. “So, why do I feel even more exhausted with you here? I don’t want to justify myself to you of all people, Daniel. I don’t need all this judging from you.”

 

“Hyung..”

 

“If you really wanted to be here for me, you can just be _here_ and just tell me everything is going to be ok. I just need that. I just need you to be here.” Sungwoon’s face is almost red from over exhaustion and Daniel thinks he is going to either punch someone or cry if he lets him go on like that.

 

“Just … go.” Sungwoon finally says, letting out a big exhale.

 

“Are you going to be ok?”

 

“I am not a child, Daniel.” Sungwoon snaps. “Just leave me alone for a while. I don’t want to fight with you as well.”

 

“We are not fighting.” Daniel says decisively. He wants to move a little closer, maybe hold Sungwoon, but he is scared of what that might trigger because Sungwoon seems close to breaking down right now. “I am sorry I was a dick. You are right. I should have been just there for you.”

 

“I can’t … deal with this right now Daniel.” Sungwoon shakes himself and zips up his hoodie. “Please … just …”

 

“I am going.” Daniel nods. “Rest up and clear your head. I’ll see you in the morning, ok?”

 

Sungwoon nods tiredly, so Daniel gives him a last look, and lets himself out.

 

He is still angry for god know what reasons – he is angry that Sungwoon never told him he is seeing someone; he is angry that that relationship got Sungwoon into trouble and probably costs him something that can potentially affect his career; he is angry that Sungwoon looks so fucking sad and there isn’t a damn thing Daniel can do about it.

 

* * *

 

Sungwoon doesn’t let Daniel see him for the next few days and it’s driving Daniel out of his mind. He kept saying that he’s busy dealing with the fallout, but Daniel feels like he made some mistake that night and crossed some line and properly pissed Sungwoon off.

 

And he doesn’t know how to fix that.

 

The dating controversy has more or less died down on the mainstream media after both agencies release another statement each, but Daniel has grown a habit of checking Pann even before he debuts. It was fun in the earlier days when he was relatively less known, but with an inch of fame came a yard of hate. Ms. Kim even said he needs to stop looking himself up on social media but he found it even harder to stop than smoking.

 

And right now, Pann and twitter are blowing up because someone compiles a collage of Sungwoon wearing the necklace Daniel had gifted him – the one with the star pendant in multiple occasions. Honestly, Daniel hasn’t even realized that Sungwoon wore that necklace that many times. But it is not a good coincidence when the person you are implicated to be in a relationship is named Byul and you have been wearing a star pendant for months.

 

It takes Daniel less than a second to consider the pros and cons before he takes it to his instagram to post the photo of the small necklace he took before he gave it to Sungwoon on his birthday.

 

Ms. Kim has always assured him that she doesn’t monitor Daniel’s social media activities, but it only take her twenty minutes to start calling him.

 

“You shouldn’t be getting involved in this, Daniel.” She says, voice laced with disappointment, but Daniel doesn’t feel the regular guilt he’d have felt otherwise.

 

“I am not getting involved.” Daniel replies instead. “I just wanted to set things straight.”

 

“Daniel.” She sighs like she is talking to a child. “I know you want to help your friend out, but it is best to keep quiet when it comes to personal things like that. You don’t know how people will spin it, and trust me, they can come up with very creative ways.”

 

“I understand,” Daniel says firmly. “I am not taking the post down though. If that’s what you want.”

 

Ms. Kim tsks. “You are a stubborn child. Just … don’t do it again. Or I am gonna have to restrict your social media access.”

 

Daniel grimaces a little and promises her. He doesn’t really want his image to be controlled through his social media and she has been suggesting to do it since a couple of months back. He’d prefer not to give her any ground, but he cannot let Sungwoon just sit there and take the heat either.

 

“At least, you will be leaving for the Dangerous Outside the Blanket filming in a couple of days so you can’t make any trouble for a while.” Ms. Kim mumbles off and Daniel frowns a little. He is supposed to be going to Jeju in three days’ time to film a variety show and he is pretty sure he won’t have much time to check up on Sungwoon then.

 

He apologizes to Ms. Kim again just in case and wonders if he should just shamelessly lets himself in at Sungwoon’s place again. He wouldn’t put it past Sungwoon to change the passcode, but it’s worth a try.

 

But luckily, Sungwoon texts him in the evening when he was getting dinner.

 

_You didn’t need to do that._ The text simply says, so Daniel presses call.

 

“Are you still mad?” He asks when Sungwoon finally picks up.

 

“I am not mad.” Sungwoon mumbles.

 

“I mean, it’s completely fine if you were mad.” Daniel says into the phone. “I was a dick. I didn’t even know why I kept bothering you with questions you probably didn’t want to answer.”

 

Sungwoon sighs. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you as well but let’s not talk about that anymore. We were both not in the right headspace. I mean I had a good reason, but I guess you were just being a little bitch.”

 

Daniel smiles. “Guess I deserves that.”

 

“Yeah, well,” Sungwoon says. “You didn’t need to post that though. Things are already dying down.”

 

“Did I make things worse or something?” Daniel asks, alarmed. The last thing he wants is to go and flame something that has already burned out. Shit. Maybe Ms. Kim was right.

 

“No, I mean .. people will still believe what they want to believe, but at least it is out there. Thank you.”

 

“Don’t mention it, hyung.” Daniel replies. “Have you eaten?”

 

“I have, actually.” Sungwoon answers. “I am in the studio.”

 

“You are working?” Daniel frowns.

 

“What else am I gonna do?” Sungwoon laughs. “Sit and feel miserable? Plus, I am kind of grounded by my agency so I just decided to hole up in the studio.”

 

“Do you want me to come over?”

 

“It’s kind of late.” Sungwoon mumbles. “If you have time, you can come over tomorrow.”

 

“I do.” Daniel nods. “I need to leave for Jeju early the day after but if you don’t mind, I’ll ask my manager to pick me up from your place.”

 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Sungwoon says.

 

“I am sorry, hyung.” Daniel tells him again. “I do have good intentions, but sometimes, when I say things, they come out blunt and judgmental. I think I need to learn a little more on how to .. you know .. say words.”

 

Sungwoon laughs softly. “Well, the first step to recovery is admission or however that saying goes. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

Sungwoon hasn’t changed his passcode when Daniel rolls around to his apartment in the evening because he is a bigger man (mentally) than Daniel.

 

Daniel presents him with the ginseng chicken he went to buy all the way from Ilsan in the early morning as peace offering and Sungwoon smiles back at him, already looking better than the last time Daniel had seen him.

 

One thing Daniel had learned on this job is how easy it is to feel up and down within the timeframe of a snap. Daniel feels like it would give him whiplash and leaves him exhausted when it finally does happen to him.

 

They have a quiet dinner together – Sungwoon might have looked better, but he looks like he hasn’t still fully recovered yet because he is not talking as much or as enthusiastically as he normally would. Daniel tries to compensate for him, but he has never been a natural avid talker like Sungwoon. Sungwoon must have appreciated the effort though because he brought Daniel his favorite ice cream after they cleaned up their dinner.

 

“I am supposed to be on a diet.” Daniel mumbles but still takes a huge bite of the ice cream. Just one bite. He’ll be done after just one bite.

 

“For what?” Sungwoon asks. “Didn’t you just finish your promotion cycle? Cheat a little.”

 

“Habit building.” Daniel mumbles. “At least that’s what my trainer told me.”

 

“And you seem to be listening to him well.” Sungwoon nods at him as Daniel takes a second bite. Daniel smiles guiltily at him.

 

“Ms. Kim wants to do a comeback as soon as possible. Maybe before the year end with a repack.”

 

“Make sense.” Sungwoon says, folding his knees into himself, looking somehow even impossibly smaller. “You did exceptionally well for a solo debut. It makes sense to follow up immediately.”

 

“Yeah, but I don’t know…” Daniel shrugs. “I told you before, right? I didn’t really like my debut song that much.”

 

“And I told you that you can’t keep waiting for a perfect song.” Sungwoon tells him. “This industry moves like a bullet train on drugs. If you want to stay afloat, you need to keep putting out decent quality songs at a constant speed. I mean, if you are like Nell status, then yeah, quality over quantity, but right now, it pays to keep yourself in the spotlight. We are already working on our third comeback before the reaction cools down.”

 

“I know that.” Daniel mumbles. He does know all that, which is why he went ahead with his solo debut despite not liking his debut song one hundred percent. But it still makes him feel … not completely satisfied. “I am just hoping we can look at a wider range of songs this time. We didn’t have much options last time.”

 

“I bet producers are lining up to give a song for God Daniel these days, huh?” Sungwoon winks and Daniel flushes a little, muttering _shut up._

 

“What about you? How’s your comeback preparation coming along?”

 

“We have a title song.” Sungwoon nods. “I want to put some writing and producing credits on the album so I am working on it. Actually, I took home a sample I did yesterday. Do you want to take a listen?”

 

“Yeah, that’d be cool.” Daniel replies in enthusiasm but cuts off by his phone ringing.

 

“Sorry. Ms. Kim.” He gestures to the phone. “I gotta take this.”

 

Sungwoon waves him off and Daniel heads off onto the balcony. It is not Ms. Kim – it is Jihye and Daniel does not know why he had lied.

 

“Are we still on for tonight, Daniel?” Jihye asks when he answers the phone. “You didn’t text me back earlier.”

 

Shit.

 

He completely forgot that he was supposed to be spending tonight with Jihye before he flies off to Jeju because Jihye would be at an overseas photo shoot next week.

 

“You forgot, didn’t you?” Jihye says in complete resignation at Daniel’s silence. They made the plan last week when everything hasn’t been in a toss up so it completely skipped Daniel’s mind this week.

 

“I am so sorry, babe.” Daniel says into the phone. “I really am. It’s just … I got caught up in Sungwoon hyung’s thing, and ..”

 

“Ha Sungwoon?” Jihye asks like she knows any other Sungwoon in Daniel’s life. “What has his scandal got to do with you? Is this about that necklace thing you posted on instagram?”

 

“What do you mean what it has got to do with me?” Daniel frowns. “He’s my friend and he’s having a tough time. I wanted to be there for him.”

 

“It’s just a dating scandal, Daniel.” Jihye says. “And it has mostly died down. Are you with him now?”

 

“Erm… yeah. I am at his place.”

 

Jihye makes a sound that feels like annoyance to Daniel, and Daniel honestly does not know what he did that would warrant a reaction like that.

 

“Can you just come out for a while then? We can go for supper. Maybe even drive down somewhere near Gimpo so you can fly off directly.”

 

“I..” Daniel looks into the living room where Sungwoon is cleaning up their ice cream plates. “I don’t know… I already told him I’d spend the night with him.”

 

“Spend the night..” Jihye scoffs. “Daniel, I am your girlfriend. If you are spending the night with anyone, shouldn’t that be me?”

 

“Noona, why are you being like this?” Daniel asks, exasperated. “It’s not like you don’t know Sungwoon hyung. You know he’s one of my closest friends.”

 

“It is because I knew him that I am being like this, Daniel.” Jihye snaps. “Never mind. Let’s talk when I am back from my shoot. If you can spare your girlfriend some time, that is.”

 

“Jihye noona..” Daniel gets cut off because Jihye has hanged up and Daniel stares at his beeping phone for a second in shock.

 

He knows that he hasn’t been giving Jihye much time lately but she knew and expected that ever since he had his debut and shows lining up to film. And to be honest, she was perfectly fine until a few weeks ago so Daniel is not sure what suddenly changes.

 

Sungwoon knocks on the glass door and Daniel turns to see him mouthing the word “ _Done?”_ so Daniel nods and goes back inside.

 

“Are you in trouble or anything?” Sungwoon asks. “That was a long call and you look stressed.”

 

“No,” Daniel shakes his head. “Nothing like that. Ms. Kim didn’t like that I posted that necklace on instagram.”

 

It is not exactly a lie.

 

“Well, I told you it isn’t needed.” Sungwoon sighs. “But it did take off some of the heat so thank you anyway.”

 

“You are welcome, hyung.” Daniel smiles and pocketed his phone. “You wanted me to listen to your song?”

 

“Right. Yeah.” Sungwoon nods. “C’mon.”

 

Daniel follows him into his bedroom where his computer is and sits down on his bed because the only other chair in the room is already occupied by Sungwoon who is browsing through his computer.

 

“You kind of inspires me to write this.”

 

Daniel blinks in surprise. “Me?”

 

“Well, that conversation we’ve had about wanting to be in love.” Sungwoon turns in his chair and smiles. “It is not the exact same though. I just kind of branched off from that topic.”

 

Daniel scoots himself closer to the computer in anticipation.

 

“ _I want to know how to be in love.”_ Daniel does not think it is Sungwoon’s voice. Maybe it is one of his group mates. The background beat is nothing complicated, but the voice drives the song. _“Is it when I see you smile and feel like I could die now? Should I be feeling this kind of hurt when you are just a touch away but I couldn’t touch? I don’t know how to be in love and I am not sure if I want to know.”_

“Depressing, isn’t it?” Sungwoon wrinkles his nose and stops the song. “That’s what happened when I try to make a song while feeling like shit.”

 

“No, it’s …” Daniel tries to find a word. “Is that what you feel like? About love?”

 

“It’s just a song, Daniel.” Sungwoon says simply and turns back to his computer.

 

“I like it.” Daniel says. “I mean it. I really do.”

 

“Thank you.” Sungwoon gives him a small smile. “Maybe I’ll give you one more ice cream.”

 

“Are you gonna put it in the album?”

 

“What? This song?” Sungwoon blinks. “I don’t know. I am still thinking about it. The chorus is a little more beat heavy so we can make it a decent B-side dance track, but I don’t know, I kind of wrote it as a solo song, not a group one. I need to do some rework before it can be ready.”

 

“I think you should put it in.” Daniel says. “It’s a good song.”

 

“Alright. Enough sucking up.” Sungwoon laughs and gets up. “Want to play some violent video games with me so I can shoot video game characters to get out of this funk?”

 

“Always.”


	9. December 2019

Jihye breaks up with him on a cold winter night.

 

It would be a lie to say Daniel is not expecting it. She hasn’t been replying to most of his messages and when she does, it is terse and short.

 

Daniel wraps his coat around his body even though he is not feeling that cold, but he still feels vulnerable. Being dumped is not that nice of a feeling even if he is already expecting it.

 

“I am sorry.” He says even when he knows it is useless. He doesn’t feel like  begging or talking to her to reconsider. He doesn’t want to think what that means for their now gone relationship. “I know I wasn’t the best boyfriend.”

 

“You were surprisingly decent.” Jihye gives a bitter laugh. She is wearing the scarf that Daniel once told her that looked good on her. He is not sure if she remembers. “But, I don’t think you know yourself enough Daniel. I think you want to be in love badly and I know you tried quite hard for me, for you to be in love with me, but I don’t think you know how to be.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“I think …” She signs resignedly. “I think … maybe you need to spend a little more time with yourself Daniel. Think about what you really want, and not just do things because you think you have to.”

 

Daniel wants to tell her that he wasn’t with her because he felt like it was some form of obligation, but he is honestly not sure if that wasn’t the case. Sungwoon’s words about Daniel never being single for long come back to haunt him because it is more or less true. He likes having someone, being in a relationship because he feels like if he doesn’t, he is not ever going to find “the one” – the person he is supposed to spend his life with, his soul-mate.

 

But maybe, just maybe, it is possible that he is not living his life like he wants to because he is too occupied finding someone to share it with.

 

He still drops Jihye off because it is a nice thing to do and he recently gets a car from the company. She smiles at him, still so patient and fond and he doesn’t even flinch when she leans in to give him a chaste kiss.

 

“Thank you,” he manages to say before she leaves. “I am sorry about not being what I should have been, but thank you for still being with me for a while.”

 

Her smile is part sad and part relieved. “I hope you find what you are looking for, Daniel. I really do.”

 

He ends up at a small bar in Itaewon, crowded with tourists. He doesn’t think the part time foreign worker recognizes him either even when his face is on a cosmetics CF on the 711 right outside the bar. He tries to get back to his dorm, but it feels unbearably lonely tonight, so he flags a taxi and asks the driver to drive him to Jamsil.

 

Sungwoon opens the door in his pajamas and sleepy clouded eyes.

 

“Daniel?” He mumbles, voice ridden with sleep and Daniel only feels a little bad.

 

“Sorry.” He hiccups and steadies himself on the doorway. “I … I broke up with Jihye. Just now.”

 

“Oh ..” Sungwoon blinks up at him.

 

“Yeah. It really fucking sucks.” Daniel half sobs and Sungwoon stares up at him before pulling him into a gentle hug. “I don’t even know why I am this sad.”

 

“Oh, darling.” Sungwoon says and Daniel winds his arms around Sungwoon’s waist and buries his head into the crook of Sungwoon’s neck. “Come in then.”

 

Daniel does not remember much. He remembers Sungwoon puts on some noisy war movie in the living room while Daniel sips on the watery beer – the only kind Sungwoon has at his place and eventually falls asleep.

 

When he wakes up, there is a stinging pain in his neck where he has folded his neck to sleep and smells of coffee with the soft music in the background.

 

“Morning?” Sungwoon cautiously says, looking at him from where he is sitting at the dining table and Daniel gathers himself enough to give him a smile. “I bought breakfast from next door. It’s just bread and eggs but it’s decent.”

 

“Thank you.” Daniel croaks out and pads barefoot into the bathroom. He passes by the bedroom on the way and recognizes the song that Sungwoon has left playing on the speaker.

 

“Seems like you finish recording the song?” He asks after he washes his face (and his regrets) and takes another chair next to Sungwoon at the dining table. He recognizes Sungwoon’s voice even though the song does not feel like it is completely finished.

 

“Roughly, yeah.” Sungwoon nods. “I changed the lyrics quite a lot and didn’t feel like bugging Taehyun again and again to re-record. But I don’t think I will put it in the Hotshot’s album.”

 

“Why not?” Daniel narrows his eyes.

 

“I don’t know.” Sungwoon shrugs. “It feels a little personal.”

 

“Sell it to me.” Daniel blurts out.

 

Sungwoon narrows his eyes at him.

 

“Or give it to me. Produce it for me. Whatever it is that you want.”

 

“You want this song?”

 

Daniel nods. “Yes. Yes, I do.” He hadn’t thought about it, sure, but now that he has heard it in its near completeness and had the lyrics repeating in his head – _I want to be in love but I don’t know how to –_ he feels like it is made for him, like it could be the extension of him that he is looking for in a song. “Hyung, sell it to me.”

 

“I .. I don’t know, Niel.” Sungwoon mumbles. “Like I said, it’s a bit personal.”

 

“If you are not going to release it by yourself,” Daniel takes a big sip of his coffee. “Please, give it to me and I swear to god I will make it justice.”

 

“I’ll think about it, ok?” Sungwoon replies and Daniel nods.

 

Maybe it is the heartbreak and the small existential crisis talking, but Daniel feels like if he gets this song, gets to sing it the way he wants and gets to perform it, it will be healing for him, and he can finally gets that song that fits what he has been searching for.

 

* * *

 

Daniel gets nominated for rookie of the year on a few award shows that have their eligibility period a little late into the years. Most of them are won by other idol group nominees, but he won on one of the newer awards shows. They actually let him know in advance that he had won and invited him to perform, but breaking down then didn’t stop him from almost breaking down on stage when he physically receives the award again. The award is a cheap glass statue with embossed gold letters, but Daniel had risked everything for this and it weighs as heavy as a life to him.

 

Jisung is on the holiday break, but he is still under the military rules to not appear on any broadcast that pays so he spends the holiday season watching Daniel on TV and stuffing his face with his mom’s cooking.

 

Daniel finally meets up with him before Christmas in between his practice sessions for the year end Gayos.

 

“So..” Jisung says, hands on his chin. He has a stubble shadow that he hasn’t bothered shaving and it makes him look strange. Like they had actually grown up. “… you are a super star now.”

 

“That’s a stretch, hyung.” Daniel scoffs.

 

“I saw your face multiple times around Seoul, Niel.” Jisung says. “I’d say that pretty much qualifies.”

 

“It’s nothing compared to when you were in Wanna One.” Daniel mumbles.

 

“Maybe, but you will have the chance to build on it.” Jisung smiles, and Daniel distinctly remembers that the Wanna One members are meeting up later and he is supposed to be picking up Sungwoon from his schedule in Gangnam because Sungwoon has a bleeding heart and lets his manager goes back to his hometown early for holidays. (Apparently, said bleeding heart of Sungwoon doesn’t apply to Daniel, but what’s new?)

 

“So, I’ve been thinking…” Jisung starts, playing around with the piece of charcoal grilled meat in front of him. “… when I get discharged, I’d be 31, and I don’t think I want to do this idol group thing at that age.”

 

“Hyung…” Daniel mutters in shock. “We promised. You are gonna get discharged and we are gonna form a group. The one that we’ve been talking about since we were both kids.”

 

“Well, we are not kids anymore, are we?” Jisung smiles. “It’s not like I want to retire from the industry. Ms. Kim said she already has a few musicals lined up for me and I want to go more into the variety and acting route. You are doing good as solo as well. There’s no point shifting the course.”

 

“I want to be in a group with you.” Daniel mumbles, feeling like a child. “That’s my … our dream, isn’t it?”

 

“Dreams grow up with us, Niel.” Jisung says and Daniel plays around with his soju cup. “We are still going to be in the same agency. Hell, we can even make songs and release them as a duo, but I am telling you. My entire body aches at the end of every day. I don’t think I can still handle the idol life of dancing and performing when I get out.”

 

“I don’t like it.” Daniel whines stubbornly. He knows realistically that what Jisung is saying makes sense, but he wanted to be in a group with Jisung, live out what they had imagined when they were young and foolish just to prove that they were not that foolish back then.

 

“Well, take time and think about it first then.” Jisung says. “We still have a year to go.”

 

Daniel sulks but nods, and lets Jisung pour some more soju for him.

 

“So, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way,” Jisung says. “What’s going on with you and Sungwoon?”

 

“Sungwoon hyung?” Daniel blinks. “What do you mean?”

 

“Are you two together again?”

 

Daniel almost chokes on his soju.

 

“We were never together.”

 

Jisung scrunches his face. “Please, Daniel. Give me some credits. We did use to live together in a tiny dorm for months, you know. I knew you two were together before you left for Canada.”

 

“It wasn’t..” Daniel mumbles in shock. “It wasn’t like that. We were not together.”

 

“Oh,” Jisung’s eyebrows furrow. “So, it was just … what … just friends with benefits or?”

 

“Something like that.” Daniel nods. “But we are just friends right now. The only benefit right now is that he sometimes buys me food.”

 

Jisung stares at him for a moment before looking away. “Alright. If you say so, but I honestly thought there’s something going on between the two of you.”

 

“There isn’t.” Daniel mutters. Sometimes, he catches himself staring at Sungwoon for a little too long and sometimes, he remembers how Sungwoon _feels like,_ but Daniel has chalked it up to being dumped or being lonely despite the fact that he has been feeling all too overwhelmed around Sungwoon even when he was still with Jihye.

 

Actually, that’s a lie. Daniel has always felt like that around Sungwoon ever since they met and it hadn’t changed that much since then, but he gets closer to Sungwoon so he gets better at masking it.

 

Daniel truly likes and appreciates Sungwoon as a person, so he doesn’t feel like ruining the good friendship they have going on by brining sex into it. It is not that he hasn’t thought about it before but he had Jihye and Sungwoon just feels like a past summer’s dream.

 

Jisung doesn’t seem convinced but he drops it because he probably knows that Daniel acts like a child in front of him, but he’d never lie to Jisung (in most cases) and Daniel is thankful for that.

 

* * *

 

He spends the New Year night performing, which, strangely enough, was one of his dreams because he always felt like welcoming a new year with people cheering on might be a hell of a rush.

 

He is right, but it is just a shame that his set doesn’t go on until the actual midnight because it has been given to a more popular rapper, but Daniel is thankful enough.

 

Sungwoon is at the same event, having performed a little after Daniel with Hotshot, so Daniel tries to find him in the after party area which is buzzed with the best entertainers and celebrities that Korean industry has to offer. Daniel gets a shot handed over to him by Zico and did a cheers with Park Myung Soo himself, and he still finds it hard to believe that it is him, going around in a Gucci suit around the invitation-only area of a Seoul top-class club, knocking glasses with people he had admired on TV and hearing people chants his name on stage.

 

It feels like this entire year has been a dream, and if it is, Daniel is not sure if he wants to wake up.

 

He finds Sungwoon in the corner, laughing with a few models and singers, and he suddenly feels grounded like he is where he is supposed to be, like he is meant to be here. Sungwoon’s eyes light up when he sees Daniel and he waves Daniel over. Daniel makes small conversations with everyone there until he gets a chance to pry Sungwoon away for himself.

 

Sungwoon launches into giggles when he finally realizes where Daniel has been leading him to.

 

“I don’t actually have a balcony fetish, you know.” Sungwoon chuckles, but still follows Daniel out into the biting cold open space.

 

“I saw this place earlier,” Daniel turns to him and grins. “How could I not bring you here?”

 

“Well, this feels very déjà vu.” Sungwoon winks at him. “But the countdown is going to start soon.”

 

“You can see the fireworks better from here.” Daniel argues, but he is ready to let Sungwoon go back if he wants to spend it among other people. Sungwoon doesn’t though. He gives a small agreeing noise and just leans on the metal rails, bringing his beer bottle to his lips.

 

“I spent the last new year night alone.” Daniel confesses.

 

“You did?” Sungwoon turns to him and asks.

 

“Yeah, I didn’t feel like bothering anyone so I went down to Han River and just sat there on the river bank until all the fireworks die down.”

 

“That’s not the worst way to spend a new year’s night.” Sungwoon smiles. “I spent the last year’s crying and then trying not to cry in front of the kids so they won’t end up crying as well.”

 

“I know.” Daniel says and pulls Sungwoon into a sideway hug. He did watch the live stream of Wanna One’s last stage performance on his phone. “But, 2019 wasn’t exactly bad, right?”

 

“No, I guess it wasn’t.” Sungwoon smiles up at him as the countdown started going on downstairs and Daniel holds his breath, mentally following along with the chants.

 

The fireworks burst out when he only reaches 2 and Sungwoon lets out a little shocked laugh.

 

“Guess they were a bit off, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Daniel shrugs. He really couldn’t care less if you asks him. “Happy New Years, hyung.”

 

“Happy New Years, Daniel.” Sungwoon says and Daniel pulls him in a little closer, rest his chin on Sungwoon’s head and inhales Sungwoon’s warmth. “I am glad you are here.”

 

Daniel doesn’t say it out loud, but he is too, and maybe he has been too blind to see it before, but Sungwoon being here, being next to him feels more than just right – this feels like it is a perfect fit into that one corner of Daniel’s soul that has always been out yearning.


	10. February 2020

Sungwoon finally relents and sells the right to “How to be in Love” to Daniel after Daniel whines and begs at him consistently for weeks.

 

Daniel puts it out as the title song for his first full album released in February, and he is just glad that his instincts were right and the song fits like a glove to him. He has never felt this content performing a song on stage and he feels like it shows.

 

It is also the first song that earns him an all-kill for a couple of hours and remains first place on a couple of charts. He is being invited to several high profile shows and Ms. Kim hires four more staff just to handle his schedule and A&R – Daniel thinks it is a little overkill, but Ms. Kim insists that it is absolutely necessary and well, she probably knows best.

 

The downside though is that he is no longer allowed to go on his morning runs. His manager has been telling him not to go for his morning run since last year, but Daniel tried to sneak out whenever he can because he feels like he might actually go crazy if he cannot have that simple resemblance of normality in his life. But a lot more people are recognizing him now, and more importantly, he has been recognizing some of the girls he always see at the airports, and in his first class cabins – along his running path. He knows that a couple of slender 5’ 4” girls shouldn’t send chills down his spine as much as they do, but Daniel would be lying if he says he is not a little scared.

 

They are planning on moving anyway since the dorm’s lease is expiring so Daniel urges Ms. Kim to help him look for a place sooner – she doesn’t need any push once Daniel tells her about the sasaeng situation, but he is prohibited from going for runs on his own for the time being. Not that he wants to try.

 

But, running inside a gym is still not the same and it is driving him crazy.

 

“Can you get any more first world problem about it?” Sungwoon scoffs when Daniel tells him that. “Poor famous baby cannot run around in his sponsored Reebok attire to relieve stress. Oh no, what will he ever do?”

 

“Don’t be a dick.” Daniel pouts and Sungwoon looks at him with laughing eyes before shoving Daniel’s legs and sitting down next to him on the couch. “You know how much I got used to those morning runs.”

 

“I know.” Sungwoon says and Daniel shifts his position so he is lying his head down on Sungwoon’s lap instead. Sungwoon’s hands immediately goes into Daniel’s hair, drawing circles on his scalp and Daniel closes his eyes, humming a content sigh. “You leave early every time for your godforsaken run even when you are spending the night here.”

 

“Maybe I can try running in the park behind here.” Daniel muses, but Sungwoon scoffs.

 

“It’s more a forest. I think I saw a coyote in there the other day.”

 

“There’s no forest, let alone a coyote in Seoul.” Daniel mumbles, eyes already heavy. “Idiot.”

 

“I saw what I saw.” Sungwoon says stubbornly and tweaks at Daniel’s ear. “Don’t fall asleep. Didn’t you say you have to leave by 8?”

 

Daniel groans into Sungwoon’s lap. “I don’t want to go. I’m sleepy.”

 

“Think of what 18-years old Daniel would say if he knew a 25 years old Daniel would be whining about not wanting to go to a Sketchbook shooting because he’s sleepy.” Sungwoon says lightly.

 

“18-years old Daniel gets a daily 8 hours of sleep.” Daniel grunts and gets himself up. “He doesn’t know shit.”

 

“Put a smile on and go to your shooting.” Sungwoon pats at Daniel’s cheek and says. “If you behave, I might have a surprise for you.”

 

“Really?” Daniel opens an eye to look at Sungwoon smiling in front of him. He wonders what Sungwoon would say if Daniel just leans in to steal a kiss.

 

“Go be a good boy first.”

 

“I always am.” Daniel pokes his tongue out and gets up to stretch.

 

Well, he does have an audience awaiting for him. Kissing Sungwoon and all those thoughts that come with it can wait a little longer.

 

* * *

 

“This is your surprise?” Daniel laughs, looking at the unending field of greens in front of him.

 

Sungwoon told him to clear a day if he can and Daniel shifts one of his magazine photo shoots a day early to do just that, and now he is standing in the middle of a mud puddle in Ilsan.

 

That’s what he gets for trusting Sungwoon.

 

“You see that brown fence with a green cloth tied to it?” Sungwoon says, pointing at a wooden fence a couple of kilometers away from them. “Everything within that fence is my grandpa’s.”

 

“Your grandpa is pretty rich, huh?” Daniel raises an eyebrow, because it is not a small area of land, and Sungwoon ignores him.

 

“You can run your weird little heart out here.” Sungwoon turns to him and says instead. “Nobody will disturb you and I am pretty sure any potential sasaeng has been chased off by my grandpa.”

 

“You brought me ..” Daniel laughs. “… on my rare day off … to a farm … to exercise.”

 

“What?” Sungwoon pouts indignantly. “You were the one whining because you couldn’t do cardio at 6 in the morning like a freak. I’m just offering a solution.”

 

“I do appreciate it.” Daniel laughs and winds his arm around Sungwoon’s shoulders. “But can we go back to the house first and eat the pancakes that your grandpa offered earlier first? They smelled fucking amazing and I was salivating before you dragged me out here.”

 

“You are insatiable.” Sungwoon mumbles but leads him back to the house where steaming piles of pancakes are waiting for them.

 

* * *

 

He did go for a run before the afternoon sun rises, leaving Sungwoon to catch up with his grandpa. He knows Sungwoon regularly comes down to Ilsan to greet his grandfather but Daniel had never accompanied him despite all the times they had known each other.

 

He doesn’t mind coming back down next time though, with the way the quietness and the freshness of everything including the air, the sceneries and even the smell of newly dug ground hit him, and put him at peace.

 

He hasn’t been running for a while so it takes him a good hour to finish just going around the farm and he decides enough is enough since the sun is getting harsher even with the February winter.

 

“I think Sungwoon is taking a nap.” Sungwoon’s grandpa says when Daniel comes out of the small washroom.

 

Daniel makes small talks with him because if there is anything Daniel is good at, it is making older people fall in love with him (although grandpa is a bit tricky and Daniel can see where Sungwoon gets his occasional grumpiness from), and eventually leaves him with his TV.

 

Sungwoon’s childhood bedroom is decorated with the taste of a 13-years old but Daniel finds it quite cute. There are photos and news clippings of him everywhere like some sort of a Ha Sungwoon tribute museum, and Daniel quietly snickers to not wake Sungwoon as he takes out his phone to quickly take a photo of a 10-year old Sungwoon posing pretty fiercely.

 

Sungwoon’s bed is bigger than a single but not big enough to contain the both of them, but Daniel makes do, and Sungwoon grunts in annoyance before shifting a little to make space for Daniel without even opening his eyes.

 

Daniel thinks he was tired enough and his run would have knocked him out, but he stays stubbornly awake, which is pretty annoying because any other day, he would be begging for a chance to just take a nap in the most uncomfortable positions for 5 minutes.

 

But his body is a bitch and he spends a good while just lying there, listening to Sungwoon’s breathing and trying to count the ceiling tiles that don’t even have any color anymore.

 

Sungwoon’s breathing gets steady and Daniel can tell he is awake without even having to look at him.

 

“You think too loudly.” Sungwoon grunts and Daniel turns his head to look at him.

 

“I am literally just breathing.”

 

“Well, breathe more quietly.” Sungwoon grumbles and attempts to shove his head into his pillow. Daniel lets softly and turns sideway so that his body is not taking too much space for Sungwoon to be comfortable.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Sungwoon mumbles. His eyes are not open but Daniel can tell that he is listening.

 

“I don’t know.” Daniel admits. “Just stuff.”

 

“Must be more than _just stuff_ if it is keeping you awake.” Sungwoon opens his eyes and whispers.

 

“Yeah, it’s just …” Daniel sighs. “Have you ever felt like you are a fraud?”

 

Sungwoon blinks. “Not since I stopped swindling my parents for more pocket money in elementary school, no.”

 

Daniel laughs despite himself.

 

“I don’t know… it’s just … when we stopped at the gas station earlier, the gas attendant recognized us.”

 

“That’d happen when your face is on a beer ad plastered everywhere on that gas station, wouldn’t you say?” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow.

 

“I mean exactly that.” Daniel says. “My mom bowed that she would buy everything with my face on it and now our Busan house looks like some creepy Kang Daniel shrine. People recognizes me on the street. I hear my voice when I am getting dinner, and … I don’t know how I got here, and maybe I am just a fluke and it is not going to last.”

 

“You got here because you tried.” Sungwoon says resolutely and Daniel wishes he has Sungwoon’s way of looking at life.

 

“There are plenty of people who tried, hyung.” Daniel mutters. “I can give you the names of at least ten people who had tried much harder and longer than me and still never managed to break through.”

 

“I know that Daniel.” Sungwoon mumbles. “You do remember that I didn’t shoot straight into this position, right?”

 

“I know.” Daniel nods.

 

“I get being insecure.” Sungwoon says. “I mean, I still sometimes feel like I am not going to make it next month and I am one more scandal away from being a one-hit wonder.”

 

“Hyung…”

 

“Don’t worry.” Sungwoon smiles. “I know I have issues. I am working through them. What I am saying is, sometimes luck and timing play a bigger role in success than we’d like to admit. There’s no shame in acknowledging that. Maybe we did lucked out despite all the other hundreds of people as talented and hard-working as us, but that doesn’t make us not worth it, you know?”

 

“When did you learn how to do the motivational talk thing?” Daniel leans his head down closer to Sungwoon’s and Sungwoon flicks his finger at Daniel’s nose.

 

“It’s all my therapist’s doing.” Sungwoon mumbles. He has been seeing someone for more than a couple of months now and Daniel wonders if he should start too. Just so he doesn’t get too overwhelmed in his own head. “To be honest with you, I am also still working on believing that.”

 

“Maybe we can work on it together.” Daniel says. Sungwoon’s fingers are lingering around his face so he takes them into his own and press them against his chest. “This feels a bit familiar, isn’t it? You and me talking like this.”

 

Sungwoon lets out a surprised laugh. “We never did pillow talk, Daniel.”

 

He pulls his hand out of Daniel’s and Daniel wants to take it back.

 

“The only things we talked about  _in a bed_ were questions on whose turn it was to get condoms and some incoherent moans to fuck harder.”

 

Daniel blushes a little.

 

Sungwoon wasn’t exactly wrong though. They were never close enough to talk personal when they were physically intimate, but strangely enough, Daniel somehow feels more intimate with Sungwoon now more than ever.

 

“I am going to go back to sleep.” Sungwoon mumbles and Daniel gives him a silent nod.

 

Sungwoon does not protest when Daniel pulls him into his chest and holds his hand across the small of Sungwoon’s belly under his sweatshirt. Maybe he is already asleep or too tired to protest.

 

Daniel falls asleep just like that and feels like he can just be content, for always, like this.

 

* * *

 

They order in that night, much to the annoyance of Sungwoon’s grandpa, who wanted to cook for them. But Daniel agrees with Sungwoon in that despite how healthy he looked, grandpa should probably stop doing house chores on top of working in the farm the whole day.

 

“I think you’d prefer Niel as your grandson.” Sungwoon says teasingly over dinner, taking off the meat from the bones in his ginseng soup for his grandfather. “He has his whole life planned out the way you want me to. Was it two children and three cats?”

 

“Depends.” Daniel winks even though he feels like his life plan has been fucked the moment he decided to come back to Korea.

 

Or maybe way long before that – when he chanced out onto a balcony for a smoke at a stranger’s party.

 

“Well, he’d definitely make a better solider than you.” Grandpa says and Daniel stifles a laugh because he definitely will not. Sungwoon is a tiny firestorm who can probably survive through apocalypse on the sheer force of will. Daniel still cries whenever he goes to the dentist.

 

But he still pokes his tongue out at Sungwoon who looks comically offended and refuses to help grandpa with his chicken anymore so Daniel does that instead throughout the dinner.

 

It really didn’t help with the cause of grandpa wanting to adopt Daniel instead though.

 

“I am old enough, you know.” Grandpa says as Daniel is helping Sungwoon cleans up after dinner.

 

“That’s what I’ve been telling you.” Sungwoon mumbles under his breath and grandpa either doesn’t hear him or ignore him.

 

“I’d have preferred if you had listened to me and just lived a normal life when I was young enough to pick up my grandchildren, but you didn’t so what can I do?” Grandpa groans, taking slow steps into his bedroom. “As long as you are happy, I think I didn’t do half bad a job of raising you.”

 

Sungwoon’s hand that is wiping the table slows down so Daniel takes the cloth from him and lets Sungwoon turn his face away.

 

“Are you happy, my child?”

 

“I am.” Sungwoon nods. “I am happy as I can be.”

 

“Then, that’s good enough.” Grandpa nods and opens his bedroom door. “Don’t stay up too late. And if you are planning on staying outside, make sure to spray the mosquito spray first. The mosquitoes are getting worse with the weather warming up.”

 

“Will do.” Daniel answers in place of Sungwoon. “Good night, grandpa.”

 

Sungwoon eventually turns back to face him, blinking his eyes rapidly. “Make yourself useful and help me take out the trash?”

 

Daniel sighs exaggeratedly. “You only want me for my physicals.”

 

“Well, you caught me.” Sungwoon smiles up at him.

 

* * *

 

“I didn’t know it was a whole workout when you asked to take the trash out.” Daniel groans. “Holy shit. How does your 80-years old grandfather do this regularly?”

 

“He doesn’t.” Sungwoon laughs as they walk back towards the main house from where the refuse area was. It was at least half a mile walk from the farm on uneven grounds and if it wasn’t still winter, Daniel would be sweating. “He let them piled on one corner of the farm until the part time farm workers come in, but I figure I should let you pull some weight around the house.”

 

“You used me for cheap labor.” Daniel blinks. “Free labor, in fact.”

 

“Hey, I paid for dinner.” Sungwoon laughs up at him. He is bundled up in layers of sweaters, looking like a marshmallow with a tiny head and Daniel feels like just squishing him.

 

“I don’t want to go back.” Daniel admits. He cannot miss his night radio schedule because, well, he is the damn radio DJ, so he will have to head back to Seoul in about two hours, but he doesn’t want to.

 

“You can always visit later.” Sungwoon says and stumbles over a rock on the road so Daniel steadies him by the hand and rolls around Sungwoon’s warm gloved fingers in his own gloveless palm. “Unfortunately, my grandpa loves you.”

 

“I am very lovable.” Daniel laughs.

 

“I don’t deny that.”

 

“Do you though?” Daniel asks, and Sungwoon looks up at him.

 

“Well, you are my favorite 6 feet tall puppy. I’ll give you that.” Sungwoon says lightly and Daniel squeezes his hand.

 

“Hyung … I don’t think … I don’t think my life plan of being in love and getting married and having kids is going to work out.”

 

Sungwoon looks away, but he doesn’t take his hand away from Daniel. “It can be done, Daniel. I mean, it is going to be difficult, obviously, but it can still be one more thing that for you to achieve.”

 

“No, I don’t think so.” Daniel shakes his head. “I mean, I tried, I really tried and I really wanted to be in love, hyung, but it’s just … you are always in the way.”

 

Sungwoon’s head snaps to look up at him in mild shock and annoyance. “What the hell does that supposed to mean?”

 

“I mean … when I got my first serious girlfriend, the girl I really thought could be the one, I spent the first two weeks with her trying my best not to call you or just run to you out of habit.”

 

Sungwoon’s open mouth closes a little.

 

“And then, there was Camilla …”

 

“Who’s Camilla?” Sungwoon furrows his eyebrows.

 

“The girl I was dating when I met you in Vancouver. I know …” Daniel adds in quickly at Sungwoon’s angry eyes. “I know I was an asshole, kissing you that night when I had a girlfriend – I broke up with her the very next day because she deserves better.”

 

“You didn’t tell me.”

 

“Because I was embarrassed.” Daniel admits. “About the things I do around you. And then, and then, there is Jihye. She was as good a girlfriend someone like me can get. Don’t look at me like that. It’s not me being humble. She understands my life and the limitations that come with it and she is willing to go through all the hardships for me as long as I can love her like she should be, but I can’t. Do you know why is that?”

 

“No..” Sungwoon whispers but Daniel thinks he does.

 

“Because you are in the way, hyung. Because I wanted to be in love and you happened to be in the way. Or maybe I just didn’t know what it means to be in love.”

 

“What are you saying, Niel?” Sungwoon softly asks.

 

“I am saying …” Daniel inhales a cold breath that does nothing to cool down the fire burning in the pit of his stomach. “.. that I love you. I don’t know since when or how, but I love you.”

 

“You are crazy.” Sungwoon mutters with wide eyes.

 

“Maybe.” Daniel laughs exasperatedly. “Yeah, maybe I am. But I haven’t been sure of anything more than this, hyung. I thought love was supposed to be about butterflies in your stomach and heart beating like crazy and just … fireworks and drum rolls. But maybe, love is different for different people and for me, it is feeling safe and content and maybe it is just as simple as seeing you next to me.”

 

“Are you…” Sungwoon is stuttering a little and Daniel does not think it is the cold. “… are you asking me for an answer?”

 

“If you have one for me.”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I love you just yet, Niel” Sungwoon says, and Daniel’s heart breaks a little despite his best efforts not to. “But I have liked you. For the longest time. Do you know how many times I wanted to kiss you during the past two years?”

 

“Maybe …” Daniel breaths out and leans down, letting go of Sungwoon’s hand so he can hold his face instead. “…maybe you should have asked. I had never been able to say no to you.”

 

“I didn’t want you to run away again.” Sungwoon whispers into his lips before Daniel kisses his cold lips. There is no firework or applause from the crowd – there is, Daniel thinks, a cow mooing in the distance, but Daniel thinks, the first rule of being in love is that it is the person that matters, not the circumstances or the situations.

 

He is not an expert in love, but Daniel feels like he doesn’t have to be. He is willing to stumble along and take chances as long as it is with Sungwoon.

 

“You’ve always been too intense for me, Daniel.” Sungwoon finally says after Daniel lets his lips fall away. “Everything about you. I am … quite scared of you. Of what you can do to me.”

 

“Does it help if I tell you I feel quite the same?”

 

“Not really.” Sungwoon smiles and Daniel presses his forehead against his. “But it is nice to know. Thank you.”

 

“It is ok if you haven’t figured out what you feel about me yet.” Daniel tells him. “You can take your time as long as you let me be next to you while you do that.”

 

“Do I have a choice?” Sungwoon asks him.

 

“Of course, you do.” Daniel nods. “You always do.”

 

“Funny.” Sungwoon smiles. “Because I feel like I don’t.”

 

And he pulls Daniel down into another kiss.

 

* * *

 

“This request is from username choixxxx9785.” Daniel reads from the cue card. “Well, firstly, thank you for requesting my song, and secondly, you also sent in a message so let me just read that out for the listeners. _Dear Daniel, I really like your song “How to be in Love” even though I don’t necessarily agree with the lyrics. I think being in love is a wonderful thing and not something to be afraid of._ Well, choixxxx9785, I, in fact, agree with you.”

 

Daniel moves his mouse to where the song is preloaded onto his monitor and presses play. “I think being in love is a wonderful thing as long as you know how to be.”

 


	11. December 2020

“Your birthday is a bitch.” Sungwoon says as soon as he comes in through the front door and Daniel raises an eyebrow. It is 2 in the morning and he just got back from the studio before having to leave for a variety show shooting at 6.

 

“I have to buy you a birthday present and then I have to buy you a Christmas present 15 days later?” Sungwoon grunts, putting down the bags in his hand onto the sofa. Right. He did say he was doing Christmas shopping today since he doesn’t have that many schedules today. “I hate gift shopping.”

 

“Just having you is enough.” Daniel laughs and pulls Sungwoon into his naked chest. He was planning on taking a shower and maybe he can persuade Sungwoon into joining him.

 

“So, I can return the new Alienware edition I ordered in time for Christmas?”

 

Daniel gasps. “You wouldn’t.”

 

“Try me.” Sungwoon grunts but relaxes into soft smiles once Daniel peppers his face with small kisses.

 

“I was thinking …” Daniel starts as Sungwoon turns in his arm to play his fingers along on Daniel’s bare collarbones. “Should we go for a trip after all the year end shows? We have to attend Golden Disc but that isn’t until January 16.”

 

“Will you have time?” Sungwoon asks. “I had shootings until 8th but I am good for a couple of days after that.”

 

“I will manage.” Daniel says and leans in to kiss Sungwoon properly. “Dr. Song keeps telling me the importance of having a me time so I think I am gonna use that to persuade Ms. Kim.”

 

“Hmm… good luck with that.” Sungwoon raises an eyebrow and gets up despite Daniel’s best attempts to pull him back down. “Where do you want to go?”

 

“I don’t know.” Daniel gets up as well and stretches. He should really be in the shower now if he wants to get a full 3 hours sleep. “Canada?”

 

Sungwoon scoffs. “I was thinking somewhere with a little more sun.”

 

“Why?” Daniel grins. “Didn’t you once say that I shine like your very own sun?”

 

“I was drunk.” Sungwoon says steadfastly. “And I was making fun of your cheesy drama script.”

 

“You are the cheesy one.” Daniel laughs and ruffles Sungwoon’s hair on his way in to the bathroom.

 

The counter is filled with various bottles because Daniel’s skin has been acting up again and he needs to use some special physician-recommended brands, which ends up adding double to Sungwoon’s existing mountain of cosmetics.

 

Technically, Daniel is still staying at his place in Mapo, but he spends more than half a week at Sungwoon’s so it only makes sense that all his things are here. He is going to talk Ms. Kim into getting him a place at the same building next year though because as much as he doesn’t want to, Daniel knows the importance of keeping up the pretense. You win some. You lose some, Daniel guesses.

 

“Got place for one more?” Sungwoon pokes his head in and asks, probably already knowing Daniel’s answer from the way he is stripping off his clothes.

 

“Always.” Daniel grins and holds a hand out.

 

It is ok if he loses a little. He has won a lot.


End file.
